Never Again Doubt If You Want To Become An Engineering Manager

Go through TikTok, and you’ll see endless weightlifters telling you how amazing they feel at the gym.

But there’s a catch: they’re only telling you part of the truth.

Most people don’t share how complicated lifting weights really is. They don’t tell you getting there is hard mentally and physically. There’s a reason most people would rather sit on the couch.

Going to the gym means committing to the time and effort required for the payoff. It gets easier over time, but you must commit to the struggle and discomfort until then. And just when it starts getting easy, you add more weight and start over again.

The same is true for becoming and staying an engineering manager. The job is rewarding, but just like lifting, it’s not easy.

Many similarities exist between the information below and people’s misconceptions about the engineering management role. The most important is that I’m using both to talk you out of taking on such a role. Not because I want to prevent you from changing your career trajectory, but because I want you to know what you’re getting into and whether you truly want to take that on.

That, and the role will be challenging no matter where you land.

The grass isn’t greener anywhere

One time, I helped interview a designer for our engineering team. This designer had worked at a large company and shared what it was like.

My stereotype about large companies was that tasks were organized with clear responsibilities. Everyone knew who needed to do what, and when they scaled, they found a rhythm that grew stable over time.

When I told the designer this, she said that’s just how it looked from the outside. On the inside, it was as much a mess as anything.

Even companies as large as Google are somewhat chaotic behind the scenes. For example, their cloud service accidentally deleted the data of a multi-billion dollar company. They were able to restore it, but not even a tech giant is always in control or above costly mistakes.

It’s tempting to believe the downsides and problems of a role or company exist in one place but not the other. Unfortunately, this isn’t true. They can be fewer or have more supports, but they’re still there.

As an engineering manager, this includes the uncertainty you’ll face.

Embrace uncertainty

You solve new technical problems every day as an engineer.

Not being a senior engineer or team lead means you don’t have many competing priorities and problems to solve, so you can tackle them head-on because they are the core of your job. And, in most cases, there is a right answer out there somewhere if you think and work hard enough. Finding it lets you develop tricks to help do similar tasks later — you get comfortable because you get good.

In this way, engineering is like school. You’re taught to solve problems, and you get evaluated at the end. There’s uncertainty, but it’s manageable.

Management is more like graduating and finding a job.

If you’re like most of us, you had to start making serious decisions once you got out of school, even a bit before. You couldn’t just follow the conveyor belt of life anymore because there were actual stakes. You had to figure out what you wanted and roll with the punches when problems occurred. And if things went south, you had to think of a plan B.

When you take on more responsibilities, which comes when you enter a more senior position, you don’t have a simple script to follow.

It’s true that enough management books exist to fill ten libraries. But they were written by people in specific situations who found solutions that worked for them. You can’t just copy-paste those solutions for you or your team. You can learn from them, but to some degree, you have to figure things out on your own, and you have to be ready to adapt.

Say goodbye to control

As a manager, you have more control. You have the power to direct your team and make key decisions your engineers have to follow. But there’s a paradox here in that you also realize just how little control you have.

This process is very similar to life in general: we act like we’re in control, but we’re not. It’s something we tell ourselves to feel safe and certain.

Say you’re renting a house. You have a salary, or you own a business. In one way, this gives you a certain level of control. But then tomorrow your landlord says they want to sell and asks you to move. Or a natural disaster hits your town, and your business disappears.

Your control isn’t non-existent, but you have far less than you thought.

There’s always something unknown or unfamiliar around the corner. The difference between an engineer and an EM is that the latter has to do something about it.

You protect your engineers so they can focus on their work. You make their tasks as certain as you can. And, for the most part, they’ll never know what it’s like.

Part of your job is acting like you have it all together. But on the inside, you know how many balls are up in the air. Somehow, you have to keep juggling.

Everyone in the business knows this, but nobody talks about it. And they should.

Management is like growing up

My school years felt like a nightmare at the time:

People told me what to do
I couldn’t plan my time
I was forced to do assignments and get grades
And other things that didn’t always matter to me

But now, I think about that time as easy, carefree even.

Being an adult is better but much harder. You can decide what you want to do, but you also have responsibilities you never imagined or wanted.

Being an engineering manager is similar, but you don’t have to become one. And you really may not want to.

Following someone else’s lead is easier, even if it means giving up some freedom and having to rely on them more or even completely. When you’re the manager, you make a lot of choices for the team. But if something fails, then that’s on you.

And becoming a parent

Being an engineering manager is unforgiving more than anything else.

When you have a kid, they don’t think of you as someone with needs, stresses, and pressures — that’s not their job. For many years, they just expect things from you and blame you when things go wrong. They need you to survive, after all.

I don’t have kids myself, but I remember being one very well. Only years later did I realize my parents’ situation and just how much I expected from them. I had no consideration for their needs.

The same goes for EMs.

Expectations are high, and you get blamed for whatever problems come up.

Your team blames you for imperfections, with plenty to choose from. You work with other managers and have your manager above you. They’ll call you out, too. Sometimes, this happens even when you don’t mess up. Even when you’re a success, you don’t get praise because you didn’t directly work on a feature.

Your team gets the glory, and you’re somewhere on the sidelines.

Why would anyone put themselves through this?

The power of sticking it out

The answer is simple: ask your parents if raising you was hard, and then ask them if it was worth it.

For most parents, there is only one answer. Even though it’s one of the hardest things to do, it’s also one of the most rewarding. Ask weightlifters the same thing, and you’ll get a similar response.

Management, if you’re cut out for it, is deeply rewarding.

What’s more, it gives you an outlet for ambition. But not an ambition for a career or money, though those are great things to have.

I’m talking about having the ambition to make a change and positively impact others’ lives.

When you’re an engineer, you might work on a feature for two, three, or even five months. When complete, sometimes the feature is used on a daily basis and makes a real difference, but sometimes it never gets adopted. Or worse, it doesn’t even make it into the final product (or the product is never launched).

It’s disheartening to see the work you invested so much into go that way. You get paid, but it’s about more than just the money — it always has been.

At some point in your career, you might stop caring as much about the salary and start wanting to do something that helps and impacts meaningfully.

That’s why, even with how unforgiving it is, EMs do what they do. The real trick is figuring out if that’s truly your path and then waiting it out.

The short version: deciding your path

Being an engineering manager has drawbacks and problems, no matter what company you work for.

These include:

The uncertainty you’ll face
The lack of control you’ll have
Getting blamed for problems
Getting little or no praise

So, why take on this role?

The answer must ultimately be your own. However, generally, engineering management is a very rewarding role. You’ll make a meaningful difference in the lives and careers of your engineers. They may not always thank you for it, but your work will make an impact.