Once, I was handling a very technical feature.

The project manager (PM) needed a little extra support in delivering it. Initially, I was able to offer this with assistance and advice. But when it started requiring too much attention, and I knew the PM could take it from there, I adjusted my input and established a boundary.

I went to them and said, “Hey, I’m sorry, but I won’t be able to provide as much support going forward. You can still reach out to me but my focus is needed elsewhere.”

Here’s what that resulted in:

  • No hurt feelings
  • A still intact professional relationship
  • A delivered feature
  • And the rest of my work not suffering 

As an engineering manager (EM), I am more than willing to help out where I can, whether that’s to my team, other teams, PMs, peer managers, or others. But if it begins affecting my work or ability to manage my workload, then I set a boundary and say I can’t help as much.

This isn’t easy for everyone, though.

Why people have difficulty setting boundaries 

A lot of people have trouble saying no. You might even be one of them!

After all, everyone wants to be liked and avoid conflicts. And they think saying no will ruin the first and cause the second.

This mindset is problematic, but even more problematic are the manipulative people who exploit others’ vulnerabilities. If it’s obvious you like pleasing everyone, someone will try to take advantage of this. 

They may already have. And if so, I’m sorry this happened to you.

But this is just one of the many negative consequences when you don’t set clear and firm boundaries. Another is becoming overwhelmed, even more than you already are. When you:

  • Take on too much work
  • Continually work long hours
  • Do other people’s work
  • And are constantly available

It might lead to improved and faster results, but it’s also inevitably going to lead to:

  • Interpersonal problems
  • Reduced quality of work
  • A problematic work-life balance
  • Burnout 
  • And possibly even worse

Saying no doesn’t make you a bad person or manager – you have the right to do this. And, over time, you’ll get better at diplomatically using this word and its equivalents. What helps is understanding what you’re saying no to.

Boundaries are not expectations

Boundaries are your personal limits, what you feel comfortable doing or not doing. Expectations are your job’s requirements in terms of production and how you conduct yourself. 

Unfortunately, people often blur the two. 

For example, maybe the marketing team comes to you and says, “Can you do a presentation to stakeholders on Tuesday?” What should you say in response? If you’re like most people, you’re tempted to say yes. 

In reality, the only answer you should give is no, not because it’s a crossed boundary but because it’s not part of your job.

Equally, treating people with respect is an expectation, both at work and outside of it. You should be courteous to everyone, whether it’s:

  • One of your ICs
  • Another manager
  • Your manager
  • Friends and family 
  • Or a stranger on the street

Expecting this in return is not unreasonable. 

So, learn your role’s expectations, then take the time to work out what your boundaries are.

Two of my important boundaries

Your boundaries may look different than mine – this is okay. The important part is knowing what they are, why you have them, and communicating this to others. 

To help, here are a couple of my examples.

Only offering so much help

As I mentioned earlier, boundaries represent when I’m not comfortable doing something, which is true even if I was before. So, I need to communicate this. Otherwise, I’m not honoring the expectation of treating others with respect, and they continue with false ideas about the way things are.

For example, imagine a new person joins the team. As an EM, I want to support them. So when they first start, we arrange meetings or calls two times a week. In these meetings, I will:

  • Answer any of their questions
  • Provide them with guidance
  • And help with tasks

Maybe I do this for a few weeks, but I realize they’re becoming increasingly dependent on me. Also, this additional support is now starting to take a toll on my schedule.

Rather than continuing this level of support at the expense of myself, I need to set a boundary. So, I go to the new team member and say, “I don’t have time at the moment for two calls a week, so let’s change it to meet just once a week.” 

But I don’t just have to give them a no – I can pair this with a different kind of yes. 

For instance, I can encourage them to start working things out themselves, using what we’ve discussed before as reference. Or I can put them in contact with another team member who can help if they really get stuck.

Regardless, over time, I’ll continue slowly winding down the amount of scheduled calls to perhaps every two weeks (or whatever seems appropriate).

By setting and following through on this boundary, I’ve improved the situation for both of us. At first, the new hire may not like the change, but they’ll grow into and from it. 

Separating the personal and professional

By this, I don’t mean you can never have a non-work-related conversation or talk about your partner, kid, or pet. It’s more about understanding your role at work and outside of it. This is the boundary you need to make explicit.

When you get to a certain age, most of your time is spent with work colleagues. And you’ll get to know them on a personal level, some as friends and others will just be colleagues. Either way, you’ll want to draw a line between you as a manager and you in a social setting.

For example, you spent the weekend playing video games or having a game of football with some of the design team. Maybe you got lunch after with your families. This is great! 

But come Monday morning, when you have to talk to them and ask them to fix typos, they need to understand you are the manager and the job still needs to be done. 

This is not about a power trip, though – it’s about performing properly in your role. If you’re upfront and honest about this and express your boundaries, then there should be no misunderstandings. 

Unfortunately, you and I both know it doesn’t always happen this way. Some of my relationships have become irrevocably damaged by the other person not being able to make this distinction. I’ve learned, though, and I’m much more transparent about my boundaries now – personal and professional.

Standard boundaries everyone should maintain

While seemingly obvious, many of the more common boundaries are beneficial to put in place and very important to a healthy work life. So, I think it’s worth reminding ourselves of them again.   

Time

You can’t be on-call all the time. I cannot emphasize that letting your work bleed into every part of your life will destroy your work-life balance, which is fundamental to your success and longevity in this role.

Some things you can do to help are:

  • Letting people know you won’t be online over the weekends 
  • Not consistently working long hours
  • Taking time to rest and restore your energy

Some of these feel very basic and generic, but they’re good starting points, and they work.

That said, I’m not a fan of setting strict rules around time because life happens. Problems with a feature don’t always occur Monday through Friday between 9 AM and 5 PM. 

So, use your common sense here. Sending an email at 6:15 PM probably won’t ruin your boundaries. But if it does, stop doing it. And don’t let it become a habit.

Communication

Be clear on the communication channels you want your team to use to contact you. Perhaps you want formal requests to come via email but are okay with short questions via communicator messages – be transparent about this. 

The boundaries you set for communication work both ways, too. If you ask your team to only contact you via email or Slack outside of working hours rather than your personal phone, then you have to do the same for them. 

Workload

Your workload (as you may well already know) can quickly become overwhelming if you let it. Use the strategies below each and every day to ensure it doesn’t:

  • Establish clear expectations: Do this for projects and be realistic about what can be achieved in what amount of time – push back if the timelines are unrealistic
  • Prioritize tasks: you’ll always have an ever-growing to-do list, so be realistic and prioritize 3-5 tasks you can do each day (adjust as necessary)
  • Delegate: do this for the tasks you don’t need to complete yourself – not only does this free up your time, but it also helps develop team members
  • Don’t do everything: This seems like the easiest way to quickly fix something here and there, but it can quickly become overwhelming and, ultimately, doesn’t help your team grow if you do everything for them

Meetings

This is probably the biggest draw of your time as an EM. 

Because we spend so much of our time in meetings, we have to be ruthless about the ones we attend as well as their length. Here are some things to consider:

  • Some people are happy to schedule a 3-hour meeting – you need to be clear if this is not productive for you
  • Establish if the topic of the meeting can be handled through async communication
  • See if you need to attend the meeting or if you can send someone else and have them report back to you  

Don’t be afraid to adjust

No one sets perfect boundaries on the first day on the job – I certainly didn’t. So, don’t worry if you have to reassess and readjust. 

It may be a lot of trial and error at first, especially as you get to know your team. So, experiment and see what works for you. Remember, what works now may not work in a year’s time. 

Keep checking in with yourself and asking, “Am I comfortable with this?” If the answer is no, then your boundaries need adjusting. 

If you still don’t feel confident setting them, talk to your peers or manager for advice. You can also seek professional coaching for an outside perspective.

The short version: boundaries enhance leadership

Setting boundaries is key to maintaining a productive and healthy work-life balance. While it can be tempting to let boundaries slip so as to avoid conflict or be more liked, this only leads to feeling overwhelmed and burnt out. In the end, you’re more likely to be seen as a pushover than a likable manager. 

When establishing your boundaries, consider: 

  • What makes you uncomfortable
  • Only offering so much assistance
  • Separating the personal and professional
  • Upholding the standard boundaries, including when you’re available, how to get in touch with you, workload, and meetings
  • Adjusting as needed

It doesn’t need to be awkward or confrontational when you set boundaries, as long as you are clear on them yourself and communicate them well. Saying no and setting boundaries doesn’t make you a terrible manager. In fact, the opposite is true. 

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Originally published on Medium.com

Content in this blog post by Alex Ponomarev is licensed under CC BY 4.0.