You’ve worked hard, stuck to the plan, your team is pulling their weight, and you’re doing what was asked of you. 

Then, out of nowhere, your boss calls you out, saying: “This isn’t what we agreed on.”

Except – it is.

You remember the meeting. You remember them signing off on the plan. But now, it feels like none of it ever happened, and you feel like you’ve imagined the whole thing.

As an engineering manager (EM), you’ll inevitably face moments like this. It can throw you off balance, and it’s easy to lose confidence. You’ll be left wondering: should you push back, stay quiet, or just let it go? 

Unfortunately, the truth is, bosses:

  • Forget things
  • Change their minds
  • React emotionally rather than logically
  • And, sometimes, they take their stress out on others

In short, they’re human beings just like you and me. 

The good news is you’ll learn how to handle it. This starts with looking beyond the reaction itself.

This was a good decision before (wasn’t it?)

Imagine a scenario where your team is struggling to keep up with the rising demand for AI projects. You communicate this to your boss, and after months of back-and-forth, they approve the decision to expand the team.

You dive into the hiring process, interviewing new engineers and finding the right fits. After a careful selection, your team almost doubles. Things are looking up! 

But then, out of nowhere, your boss reacts negatively to the team expansion. It suddenly feels like you’ve just stepped into an alternate reality.

They argue that increasing headcount won’t fix the problems – it could even make things worse. More people means:

  • More management needs
  • More resources
  • And more chaos

You try to remind them that you both agreed on the expansion, but they’re not hearing you. What you’re facing right now is an emotional reaction.

A month later, the conversation takes another turn. You bring it up again, reaffirming your confidence in the decision. Much to your surprise, this time, their response is completely different! They say they trust you and your decision to keep the team growing.

But they don’t acknowledge their previous outrage or apologize for the unnecessary stress. Is this fair? No. But, when you look at the context around the reaction it can become understandable. 

Sometimes, it’s just not personal

There are many reasons why your boss might act unfairly toward you – and more often than not, it’s not really about you. 

1 - People forget context

And naturally, so does your boss. Just like you, they make hundreds of decisions a week. They’re managing priorities, other teams, budget limitations – and, of course, pressure. 

Sometimes, memory can be like a messy junk drawer. Everything is in there somewhere, but good luck finding it when you need it! The decision made a month ago can today be seen as a mistake, simply because it’s not fresh in their mind. 

2 - They fear losing control

Sometimes, it’s not even about the decision itself but about control. If your boss feels like they didn’t have the final say, they might push back to reassert their authority.

Yes. We, humans, are complex.

This can happen if they feel out of the loop. The gap between approving something and watching it unfold can trigger concerns. For example, if you swiftly onboard a lot of new engineers, they might feel that it’s moving too fast and they can’t keep up. 

Again, this isn’t about the decision itself but the context surrounding it. 

3 - Their perspective can change

Some bosses don’t voice concerns until they start seeing the numbers. Expanding a team might seem like a great idea until they see the budget reports. Similarly, launching a new project might feel like the right call – until other projects get delayed.

This doesn’t mean they’re intentionally being unfair, though. They’re just seeing things differently now. An issue arises if they fail to acknowledge that the decision was made with the best information available at the time and instead shift blame onto you or your team. This can be tough to navigate as an EM. 

4 – They struggle with the right balance of “being present”

Think of trust as a credit. 

At the start of a relationship, your trust credit is low. You don’t yet know how someone works or whether you can count on them. This works both ways. 

This often makes some people overly-controlling, even unintentionally. They might hover over every decision you make or double-check each step of a process, which adds pressure to you and your team.

But, some people might overcorrect, backing off entirely because they don’t know how to strike the right balance between being involved and giving space.

Ideally, a good boss should know when to step in to provide clear direction without creating more problems than they solve. But ideals and reality don’t always mix. So, if your boss is constantly swinging between these extremes, it could be because they’re struggling with this balance.

Sometimes, it can be a good thing

Not feeling supported can be isolating – but, in the end, it’s a source of growth. As an EM, you won’t always have someone validating your decisions. You won’t always receive recognition for the problems you solve. Support is nice when you have it, but ultimately, you shouldn’t depend on it.

Chances are, over the course of your career as an EM, you’ll face:

  • Leadership inconsistencies
  • Not feeling as supported as you’d like 
  • Having to steer the ship alone
  • Feeling as if you have to both question and answer yourself because there is no one else

And this is an optimistic list!

It’s tough – there’s no denying that. 

At times, you’ll wish you had someone to turn to, someone to listen to your concerns or frustrations. But when you’re not feeling supported, there is power in learning to move forward on your own terms.

How to keep moving forward 

It’s never easy dealing with unfairness or harshness, especially from superiors. But there are ways to help make it easier. 

Here are some to start with. 

1 - Don’t take it personally 

It’s easy to internalize your boss’s reactions, especially when they’re sudden or emotionally driven. But remember: unfair treatment isn’t always about you. That doesn’t mean it’s okay to behave this way, but it does mean you don’t have to carry the weight of it. 

Not taking things personally is hard. As humans, we’re wired to connect emotionally. However, there are actions you can take to help you stay grounded in difficult situations:

  • Work on developing empathy for others: Try seeing things from others' perspectives. Sometimes, that’s all it takes to understand a certain behavior.
  • Establish emotional boundaries: Separate your identity from work feedback. This doesn’t mean becoming a different person at work. It means recognizing that some feedback is about your work, not about you as an individual.
  • Help others succeed: This will shift your mindset away from personal worries. And in fact, it’s a big part of your job as an EM.

2 – Consider the context before you react

When you’re at the receiving end of contradictions or harsh behavior, try to take a step back.

Ask yourself: 

  • Is this a recurring pattern? 
  • Is your boss facing other issues? 
  • Or are they reacting to stress rather than to the situation itself? 

Understanding where the reaction is coming from makes it easier to deal with it.

3 – Don’t underestimate the power of journaling

In fact, don’t underestimate the power of writing in general. 

Writing things down allows you to step outside your emotions and see the situation objectively. Try documenting your feelings on a daily basis. It helps you separate the facts from the noise. Writing gives you clarity, and clarity gives you confidence. 

It forces you to slow down, process, and untangle your thoughts. Over time, you’ll see that your journal becomes more than just a venting space – it is a record of your growth.

And keep in mind you don’t have to spend your entire day journaling. Dedicate a small block each day, write down what you can, reflect, and then move on.

4 – Find your own validation

A great boss will provide support and feedback, but that won’t always be the case. Your confidence shouldn’t depend entirely on them. 

Instead, build your own system for validation, for example:

  • Track (and acknowledge) your wins: Keep a private log of your accomplishments, whether they’re big or small. 
  • Consider feedback from peers or mentors: People you work with daily will likely see your impact better than your boss.
  • Measure your own progress: Reflect on where you were six months ago. How were your skills, confidence, or problem-solving ability? How far have you come?
  • Define success on your own terms: If your work is meaningful, efficient, and making an impact, that’s validation in itself.

The short version: thriving without approval

Unfortunately, your boss can be forgetful, react emotionally, and, at times, be unfair. But, remember, they’re human, just like you.

Unfairness isn’t always personal. Sometimes, people lose sight of past agreements, struggle with control, or simply change their minds. It happens.

When you feel unsupported or alone, there are steps you can take to keep moving forward:

  • Detach: People’s reactions are not always about you. Try to separate yourself from the situation.
  • Document: Writing helps you process your feelings. When you understand your own emotions, you’ll have more clarity on others’ reactions.  
  • Look elsewhere: If you need reassurance, seek it from peers or mentors.
  • Look to yourself: Confidence comes from knowing you’re doing the right thing – even when no one is there to confirm it.

While having support is reassuring, it won’t always be available. So, remember that you are your most important asset. Your growth shouldn’t depend on external recognition. Track your wins, measure your own progress, and trust the impact of your work. 

Coming up

On Wednesday (March 12), I’ll be exploring team dynamics and sharing how you, as an EM, can help balance unfair workloads. Subscribe below so you don’t miss out! 

See you then! 

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Originally published on Medium.com

Content in this blog post by Alex Ponomarev is licensed under CC BY 4.0.