The Introverted Engineering Manager’s Path To Confidence And Authority

Imagine two engineering managers (EM) who are polar opposites – one is a lion, and the other is a mouse. 

The first is an amazing EM who really knows his field, but he:

• Is less open to other people’s ideas and opinions
• Is the “It’s my way or the highway” type
• And equates his responsibility with power

His domineering attitude upsets team dynamics as people struggle to work under this control. 

The second is also an amazing EM, but he’s not very confident. He: 

• Is uncertain of his decisions
• Wants to avoid confrontation at all costs
• Doesn’t set expectations for his team
• Doesn’t voice his opinion strongly enough
• And doesn’t provide clear direction

His meekness leads to a team doing whatever they like, and there is no aligned vision. 

But the truth is neither EM is or will be successful. They may experience it for a time, but the momentum won’t last.

There is a happy medium that sustains success, though. You don’t need to be the loudest voice in the room to make it happen, and there is a way to be authoritative without doing so. If Aesop has taught us anything, it’s that strength and confidence come in many forms. 

In other words, you have natural skills as an introvert that you can access to succeed as a leader. But first, you need to understand why.

Why confidence matters

People will not listen to you as a manager if you do not appear confident.

I once knew this great EM. For years, he worked on a very successful project. 

After a round of recruitment, a lot of senior engineers joined his team, many of whom had more experience than he did. This was great and should have made for an excellent team. But he lacked confidence and started questioning himself, wondering if the senior engineers knew better than he did. 

When they approached him to highlight issues with the product, rather than taking them on board and making improvements, he was crushed by the fact they were noticing things he hadn’t. As a result, he started:

• Second-guessing his decisions
• Making poor choices
• And losing control of the team and project 

Unfortunately, this happens to many EMs, especially introverted ones. If you don’t convey your ideas, goals, and visions with authority, your team will lose faith in you and your abilities. This leads to multiple problems, such as:

• Them metaphorically pushing you around
• Everyone doing what they like, leading to a messy code base
• And some engineers thinking they’re the manager

So, as the EM, you have to find the inner strength and confidence to manage people who have more experience and knowledge than you (or who try to be like the lion). Because you will encounter this at some point. 

What helps is remembering you don’t need to: 

• Be better than everyone else
• Be the smartest person in the room
• Be the loudest
• Or have the only opinion that matters

It has never worked this way in the past, and it will never work this way in the future, either.

What’s important is knowing that no one is going to expect you to know everything, but they will expect you to make decisions with authority and take ownership of them (right and wrong!). After all, you are the manager. 

Once you realize and accept this fact, you will appear more naturally confident. But, as with anything, the path to confidence comes with challenges, especially for introverts. 

Why this is so hard

As an introvert, how confident are you when someone disagrees with you? Unlike most, you might be pretty good at this. But many introverts struggle to defend their opinions (strong or not) in a disagreement.

This wouldn’t be a problem if more people stuck to the way arguments should be, which is:

• You listen to their argument
• You offer a counterargument
• If yours is better than theirs, then the other person agrees (or vice versa)

But most people don’t have this approach! 

Instead, disagreements suffer from:

• Escalating emotions
• Activated fight-or-flight responses
• One side or the other getting offended
• Someone trying to win at all costs
• And the amplified social drain accompanying all of this

And as an introvert? You know how much strength it takes to even just partially stand your ground when dealing with such a situation.

Of course, being confident and authoritative isn’t just about disagreements or arguments, but those are always a possibility. They can (and often do) make us rethink what we’re going to say or type so we can make absolutely sure there’s no misinterpreting it or possibility for conflict. 

But stopping to take the time to consider what you’re going to say isn’t actually a bad thing.

And why it doesn’t have to be

I want to change your mind about something. Many people believe an introvert’s reflective abilities are a massive weakness. The thinking is they take too long to consider what they’ve been told and how they’re going to respond.

The truth is this is actually one of your biggest advantages. 

Taking your time to think things through allows you to craft thoughtful and measured responses rather than impulsive reactions. As a bonus, you’ll appear more confident. 

Remember, confidence comes in many forms. So, while your kind of confidence may look different than others, that doesn't mean it’s any less effective. 

And by learning how to use your natural strengths to project your kind of confidence, you’ll be a more effective (and authentic) leader for your team.

There are also some strategies you can use to help.

An introverted EM’s toolkit of authority

One of the best things about being an EM is that you don’t have to play by anyone else’s rules. As an introvert, you thrive in ways others don’t. 

So, when developing ways to improve your confidence and authoritativeness (and to come across as both more), lean into what works best for you – not someone else. 

1 - Write it, don’t say it

You’ve likely been in a situation that has become overwhelming or out of control in the past.

Think back to some of these. How many happened during verbal communication? 

Maybe someone got emotional, reacted too quickly, or some other problem. You may have also struggled to return things to normal because, again, it’s difficult to remain composed during moments of face-to-face conflict or chaos.

But it’s much easier in writing.

It is possible for people to misinterpret what’s written, but that’s easily cleared away with practice and follow-up questions. The important part is the space written communication creates for all parties. And for you, it gives you the time you need to convey your thoughts clearly and authoritatively.

Here’s how you can easily and seamlessly make this switch: 

• Note when the conversation starts to get out of control, and you become uncomfortable or realize a change is needed
• At this point, say something like, “Let’s continue this conversation in Slack. Why don’t you describe the problem and lay out your points and arguments there.” 
• This instantly defuses the situation and puts it back in your control 
• Follow up by saying, “I’ll get back to you on it, and we can address your concerns then.” 

They might still try to argue with you, but what would that accomplish for them? You’re the EM, and what you’re saying is not anything bad. They may not like what you’ve said, but they’ll start to realize its value once they’ve calmed down and the situation has improved.

2 - Record, analyze, learn, and repeat

If you don’t already, I recommend you start recording your meetings. Do this whether they are: 

• One-on-ones
• Team meetings
• Or meetings with your supervisor 

And utilize tools like Grain or Otter. If you’ve never used them before, first, start now. Second, they provide you with a:

• Recording
• Transcript
• And summary (among other things)

They also tell you how much each speaker spoke, highlighting if certain people are dominating the conversation.

So, if you ever have a conversation that goes in a direction you didn’t want, you have the recording to figure out why. You can listen to it (or study the transcript) and analyze what you find.

While you do, consider: 

• How did you behave?
• How did you handle it when you were challenged?
• Were you clear and to the point?
• Did you give in too easily?

You can also use AI to review the transcript and answer your questions. 

Once you start this analysis and highlight areas of weakness, you can easily develop strategies to overcome them. 

But don’t forget to note points where you felt you excelled, too. Recognizing your successes will help you to replicate them in the future.

Repeat this process at least once a week. Make it a regular part of your professional development cycle. And start looking back at your old analyses as well.

Over time, you’ll realize how much you’ve improved, which is excellent for building confidence. 

3 - Prepare, practice, and anticipate

You might do this already, but confidence doesn’t mean you have to improvise on the fly. Confidence is earned and built in many ways, including preparing for a meeting or conversation ahead of time. 

This goes back to a sense of control. Often, anxiety arises when we feel like we have none, whether it’s a last-minute change or a decision made without our input. 

Preparation increases your level of control. Remember, you’re in charge of team meetings and one-on-ones, so you get to decide what the agenda looks like. And when you know exactly what’s going to happen ahead of time, there’s no reason to be anything other than confident.

Also, preparation doesn’t have to be complicated. Sometimes, we look down on the basics, but they’re used and reused because they’ve been proven to work.

So, to help, here are some ideas:

• Collect your thoughts: This can be in the form of organizing notes or creating a detailed agenda. Having a structure to follow helps you stay on track and ensures you won’t end up looking lost.
• Practice: If you have to present a report or speak on something specific, practice what you’re going to say. Rehearsing before the meeting will help you be more confident and authoritative when it’s time to do it for real.
• Anticipate: Consider what questions might arise in the meeting and prepare some responses. This way, you are less likely to be caught off-guard.

And remember, nothing says you have to answer everything right then and there. You can always tell people you’ll discuss the topic later over Slack.   

4 - Work with a coach

Sometimes, a lack of confidence or sense of authority comes down to imposter syndrome or feeling inferior. This is not the case for everyone, but it is for some. And in my experience, I’ve found it really beneficial to work with a coach to overcome these issues.

Remember, nobody knows everything. There is not just one right way of doing things, and people are not right 100% of the time. Unfortunately, these are often the unreasonable standards to which we compare ourselves.

But like I have said before, there is a reason why you’ve been promoted or hired to work as an EM: 

• Somebody thinks you are good enough
• They think your opinion matters
• And they have the confidence in you to do the job

So, you have a legitimate reason to be confident. 

Sometimes, though, this is hard to see on your own – there’s nothing wrong with that. To help, the best practical advice I can give you as an introverted EM is to work with a coach to help you recognize and remember the reasons you have to be confident. 

What to look for in one

In an ideal world, a peer manager or supervisor would act as your coach, but this isn’t always possible. So, you may have to look outside your company. There are two types of coaches you’ll want to consider:

• Executive coaches: these focus on developing leadership skills and helping executives navigate challenges 
• Leadership coaches: these specialize in enhancing leadership abilities, and helping managers improve their communication, decision-making, and team management skills

You typically want a coach with relevant experience, such as one who is familiar with the tech industry or engineering management.

There are also a few coaching approaches to consider, including:

• Results-Oriented Coaching: either together or individually, you set specific targets, and they help you work towards achieving them 
• Cognitive Behavioral Coaching: this is based on psychological methods that help you change or find new ways of thinking  
• Solution-Focused Coaching: this type of coaching helps you shift focus from the problems themselves to the solutions
• GROW Model Coaching: this is an acronym for the four steps of the method: 
  • Goals: Where do you want to get to? 
  • Reality: What are the parameters of your situation?
  • Options: What choices do you have?
  • Will: Commit to your steps forward
• Strengths-Based Coaching: coaches using this method help you identify and improve your strengths 
• Task-Oriented Coaching: this approach breaks down your goals into smaller tasks, which you then focus on completing 

But for me, the most important thing is the coach's personality and your compatibility with them. 

So, I suggest you schedule an initial consultation to assess if they’re the right person for you. The coach should be able to ask insightful questions and provide clear guidance, and you should feel comfortable with their coaching style. 

Once you’ve found the right one, work with them to develop an action plan and set goals. Don’t forget to go to them with a list of areas you want to improve, such as handling one-on-ones or conflict resolution. You would then meet regularly to: 

• Track progress
• Stay accountable
• Reflect
• And get some feedback 

But keep in mind that finding the right coach is nuanced, and you might not get it right the first time. Keep at it, though, and eventually, you will. 

The short version: the power of thoughtful leadership

Confidence doesn’t require you to be the loudest voice in the room – you can achieve it just as well (or even better) with thoughtful words and actions. Aim for a balance of authority and approachability. You are neither an imposter nor a dictator – you’re a leader. 

To achieve this sense of authority and confidence, play to your introverted strengths, such as:

• Communication: switch from verbal to written communication firmly puts the control in your hands 
• Analyze: employ your analytical skills and refer to meeting recordings to review and reflect on your performance 
• Prepare: practice and prepare for situations that make you feel nervous to help calm any anxiety you may feel
• Seek help: work with a coach to see things in ways you aren’t on your own

And remember, you have been hired for a reason, so you’re doing something right. Keep reminding yourself of this fact, and you’ll start to naturally build your confidence even before taking the above steps. 

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Originally published on Medium.com

Content in this blog post by Alex Ponomarev is licensed under CC BY 4.0.