I once knew an engineering manager (EM) who graduated with first-class honors from the “Gordon Ramsay School of Management.”
He would:
- Scream and shout
- Lose his temper over the smallest thing
- And remain adamant that his way was the only way
Don’t get me wrong, he was an amazing engineer and very technically capable. But he was a terrible manager. While he still performed in his role as an EM, no one wanted to work with him.
While this kind of behavior is amusing on reality TV, it’s certainly not in the actual workplace. Letting your emotions get out of control as a manager only has negative consequences.
What happens if you don’t stay in control
Managers who are not able to stay in control of their emotions will face serious ramifications. It may not happen straight away, but it will eventually. People may tolerate it at first, especially if you’re new to the role or the company, but it doesn’t take long to get on people’s nerves and for the consequences of your actions to rear their ugly heads.
A negative reputation
Think about people you know who lose their temper over nothing – how do you view them? As annoying? Toxic? Childish? All of the above?
Most people will think they are unprofessional at best and intolerable at worst. Remember, it’s not just your team viewing you – it’s also your:
- Peers
- Stakeholders
- Other teams
- And your boss
The reputation you cultivate at work has long-lasting effects, and it can (and will) follow you from company to company. Do everything you can to make it a good one.
Poor team culture
Not caring for your emotions also creates toxic conditions for everyone you work with, especially your team. People can and will leave if their environment is hostile. This decreased lack of retention then worsens your ability to deliver and meet expectations.
In short, you’ve just become your own worst enemy.
Worse decision-making
Think about the last time you tried to make a decision while emotional. This doesn’t have to be at work, either. How well did that go?
Maybe pretty well! But this isn’t common.
We’ve all experienced what happens when we become emotional and try to make decisions. Often, they just lead to more emotions as we deal with the fallout.
Loss of respect and authority
Your team won’t trust you if they don’t know how you will react. They’ll stop coming to you with ideas, opinions, or problems. Most importantly, they won’t respect you as a leader, so they’ll be less likely to follow you, especially when you really need them to.
You won’t be an EM for much longer
You don’t work in a vacuum.
What you do, how your team performs, and your relationships with other teams and peers don’t go unnoticed. If your superiors continually hear bad feedback, rumors, or complaints about you, then it won’t be long before they do something about it.
They have expectations to look after, too. And if your emotional nature and actions are causing them to not be met, at the very least, you’re going to be having some serious conversations.
It’s like the saying goes, “Bad news travels fast.” The best way to avoid this is to not be the bad news.
5 steps to staying in control
Still, it’s easy for even the most in-control people to become emotional, overwhelmed, and stressed in their jobs. After all, our work is very demanding and often highly pressured.
Luckily, there are some strategies you can implement to help avoid being the “Gordon Ramsay” of your organization. Here are my top five.
1 - Think before you speak
When I was younger, my grandfather always said, “Think seven times before saying something.”
I thought this was stupid when I was a teenager trying to assert my authority. I was in a rush to do and say everything. Since then, I have come to realize the wisdom behind his words. Following his advice has helped me not fall prey to the indulgence of emotional reactions and impulsive responses.
Remember, most situations do not require an immediate response. If you don’t believe me, write down various situations you’ve been in, and really analyze what would’ve happened if you or someone else hadn’t responded right away.
This doesn’t mean you have to wait hours or days to reply, though. Sometimes, all you need to do is take a minute to:
- Think
- Process
- And formulate an effective response
This also means knowing it’s okay to sit in silence, even if it’s uncomfortable. Others may not like this – they may even try to respond for you – but take your time and stick to what you know will work.
Remember, people always respond better to measured responses than hasty reactions. They’ll start to realize the value of silence just as you have.
2 - Step away
One of the best ways to regain composure is to physically remove yourself from the situation. It works on many levels, including:
- Distance: it allows you to get out of the heat of the moment, giving you a chance to create an emotional and physical distance from whatever stressor you are dealing with
- Cognitive reset: the break gives your brain a chance to slow down – this stops the stress response, which only feeds heightened emotions
- Impulse control: it helps you avoid rash decisions or reactions that tend to be less rational
- Communication: it also ensures you don’t say something you can’t take back
- Gives space to others: if it’s an argumentative situation, stepping away also allows others the space to calm down
Sometimes, this might just be a quick break. Other times, you may have to step away completely when situations have escalated to unmanageable levels.
For example, imagine you're in a heated debate with a colleague about a project deadline:
- The conversation is extremely tense
- Voices are raised
- And everyone is throwing accusations
You feel your anger rising and notice you're starting to say things you might regret later.
This is the moment you should step away.
You can simply say, "I think we both need some time to collect our thoughts and cool down. Let's take a break and catch up again tomorrow when we're calmer. We're more likely to find a middle ground then.”
Other times when stepping away is a good idea include:
- Personal attacks begin, like name-calling or personal insults
- When you feel overwhelmed, experiencing intense emotions, or your judgment is clouded
- If conversation becomes circular and you're repeating the same points without moving anywhere
- You need to consult with someone, gather more information, and ask for advice before continuing
Obviously, you can’t simply leave the room any time you feel your emotions start to rise, so use your best judgment with this. Just remember, it is a useful technique to calm down and recalibrate. And future you will appreciate your resisting the temptations your anger is causing.
3 - Change the form of communication
Just as stepping away from a difficult situation can be enough to stop emotions from escalating, so, too, can changing the form of communication.
If you find yourself in a meeting that is getting heated or you feel yourself starting to get frustrated or angry, it’s time for a change. This often happens in meetings with dominant personality types or people who are likely to verbally vent all their feelings. Sometimes, all you need is a break from the heat of the moment to regain rational thinking.
If you are not able to move the conversation on to the next topic, then suggest that everyone takes a break and formulates their problem/frustration/etc. in written communication. You can either reschedule a meeting or suggest dealing with the issue entirely async from now on.
If you happen to be an introvert, this is a great method that draws upon your natural strengths. If you’re not an introvert, writing down your thoughts and emotions can still help you process and rationalize them.
Equally, if you find yourself in a volley of Slack messages that are getting increasingly unfriendly and unproductive, suggest jumping on a quick call to resolve the issue. Oftentimes, the correct intonation doesn’t come across in the text, and people – you included – can misread what is written. A five-minute chat might be all you need to sort the issue out.
4 - Lean into your emotional intelligence
This is a two-fold approach.
The first way is practicing emotional intelligence for yourself.
When you develop self-awareness of your own emotions, you're more likely to be able to stop them before they get out of control. The initial step is to start being aware of signs you’re not coping well. To do so, ask yourself:
- Are you irritable?
- Was that last message you sent a little too curt?
- Was that feedback a bit too harsh?
Once you know the signs of when your emotions are slipping, it’s time to take action.
The second is practicing emotional intelligence with others.
Employing empathy in interactions with colleagues (and everyone in life!) leads you to a better overall understanding, which is often enough to change your mindset. It helps you to:
- Understand their actions
- Put yourself in their shoes
- Pick up on subtle cues from others
- And identify the emotions that may be driving them
By doing this, you are able to shift the focus from yourself and your emotions to those of others. Sometimes, all we need is a different perspective.
If you don’t feel like you have this ability, the good news is that it can be learned. You can do emotional intelligence training, AI coaching, or get professional coaching. I highly recommend it as an area you develop, especially as it is becoming an increasingly desired trait in leadership roles.
5 - Look after yourself
Your physical health has a huge impact on your mental and emotional health. I know it sounds cliche, but practicing self-care is one of the best ways to manage your emotions. If you don’t feel 100%, then, quite simply, you’re not going to be at the top of your game.
Now, this is very subjective, and what works for one person won’t for another. But it’s important to find out what does for you. Various things you can try include:
- Mindfulness: there are many different techniques to help with emotional control
- Rest: tiredness does not make anyone the best version of themselves
- Nutrition: make sure you eat well – we all know the term “hangry!”
- Breathing exercises: these can help you calm down and regulate your nervous system – they are great if you need a quick fix
- Exercise: great for much-needed boosts of dopamine
All of these can help you manage stress, stay calm, and remain in control of your emotions. The added benefit is they are also all great for your overall health!
The short version: calm leadership is successful leadership
You are going to face countless situations in the workplace that are frustrating, upsetting, and even infuriating. But to remain a successful and effective leader, you need to develop coping mechanisms to not allow your emotions to dictate your actions. Some of the ways you can do this are:
- Think before you speak
- Remove yourself from problematic situations
- Change the form of communication you use from verbal to written or vice versa
- Utilize your emotional intelligence to navigate your and others’ emotions
- Take the time to look after yourself with mindfulness, exercise, and other strategies
Remember, you’re only human. Sometimes, you’ll find what you do difficult or make mistakes. The important thing is to keep trying to find what works for you. Emotional control only improves with time and practice. And another important part is taking accountability for your missteps, including apologizing for them.
Once you get to where you want to be, you’ll find that being emotionally stable and fostering a calm demeanor will only improve your reputation, the efficacy of your team, and your standing in the company. And it won’t be as hard as it used to be, either.
Coming up
On Wednesday (March 5), I’ll be discussing the importance of properly logging and tagging technical debt. I’ll also share some practical strategies that you can easily implement into your process. Subscribe below so you don’t miss out!
See you then!
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Originally published on Medium.com
Content in this blog post by Alex Ponomarev is licensed under CC BY 4.0.
