Imagine you're an engineering manager (EM) working on a large, cross-functional project. 

You have to coordinate with the: 

  • Frontend team
  • Backend team
  • DevOps team
  • And QA team 

The frontend team is finalizing the API design so they can complete their implementation, which they find frustrating to work on without clear specs.

But the backend team feels blocked by frontend dependencies and thinks the focus should be more on addressing performance bottlenecks.

Meanwhile, the DevOps team is pushing to adopt a new CI/CD pipeline, arguing it will speed up deployments in the long term, even though it requires significant time investment now.

And the QA team is focused on improving test coverage. They want to dedicate resources to creating more automated tests before the next sprint, trying to prevent the risks of releasing with poor test coverage.

So, whose priority is more important? It would be easy if there was one answer, but each team has a valid perspective and goals, including you. But it can be difficult for anyone to be heard and get what they need out of a cross-functional meeting, especially an introvert. 

However, you can do just as well as anybody. And this starts with learning what kind of introvert you are.

You’re not the only type of introvert

I used to think there wasn’t much I could do to: 

  • Control a cross-functional meeting
  • Change topics
  • Or even end discussions because I wasn’t in control of the meeting 

But I felt more than helpless because these meetings and their unpredictability stressed and exhausted me.

However, other introverts did very well. When I tried to understand why, I realized there are different categories of introverts:  

  • Social introverts: you prefer solitude over large social events – you do enjoy spending time with a close group of friends, but social interactions are draining if they’re too long
  • Thinking introverts: you are introspective, analytical, observational, and contemplative – sometimes you come across a bit distant, but you love intellectual and creative environments – everything else is harder to manage
  • Anxious introverts: social situations make you uncomfortable and overwhelmed – you want to engage, but your borderline social anxiety keeps you from participating often or at all
  • Restrained introverts: you need time to warm up to strangers – you aren’t anxious, but you like to observe and speak when you feel comfortable

You might be a mix of these, but you’re also more likely to lean closer to one than the other. Knowing which one helps you chart your path forward. 

Work with what you have

When you figure out who you are, you can start making changes to better accommodate your needs or improve the areas you struggle in. 

Here’s what to do:

  • Social introverts: Since your weakness is large groups of strangers, turn as many of those strangers into acquaintances and friends as you can. Get to know them through networking, for example.
  • Thinking introverts: Give yourself time to think so you can contribute at your best when needed. Schedule breaks so you can analyze while others stretch their legs. Everybody wins!
  • Anxious introverts: Rehearse conversations, plan discussion topics ahead of time, and set boundaries on meeting durations. Anything you can do to make yourself feel more comfortable, do it, including counseling and mentorship.
  • Restrained introverts: Unpredictability is your enemy, so turn it into your ally. Start challenging yourself by gradually exposing yourself to new social situations. Get to know others in one-on-ones – you can even practice small talk to get more comfortable with the unpredictability of talking to others.

But every introvert is good at one surprising thing

How good do you think you are at talking? If you’re like most introverts, I’d say you think you’re pretty bad. After all, you see the ease with which many extroverts speak in a variety of social situations and think you’re not like them at all.

And this is true – you’re not like extroverts in terms of how easily they take to talking, but you are like them in terms of how well you talk. Just because you do it far less often doesn’t mean you don’t excel when you finally do.

As an introvert, you’re skilled at:

  • Listening
  • Analyzing
  • And contemplating

This is true even if you’re not a thinking introvert – it’s just a deeper part of their personality in that case. But all of these skills add up to having something valuable to say when you speak. It might not always come out the right way, but it’s there.

If you’re unsure, test this the next time you have a chance. Aside from disrespectful people, how many really listen to what you have to say? You might be surprised. 

Use motivation to push forward

There’s more to improving how you handle cross-functional meetings than talking. And, sometimes, it helps to consider those additional benefits when faced with the wall of anxiety talking with others can bring. Here’s what some of those are:

  • Your team needs you to speak up: You’re the EM. Who else is going to advocate for your team unless you do? 
  • Your credibility improves: You might have all the best thoughts in the world, but unless you talk, no one else will know what they are. And the more they hear them, the more they hold you in higher and higher esteem.
  • Clear alignment: Unless you ask questions, your team might work in a direction they shouldn’t be. Find out what you need to so their objectives align with everyone else’s.

And take advantage of the tools at your disposal

Some of the below will seem obvious, even basic. If so, you’re hopefully already using them! Unfortunately, many EMs don’t because they don’t think they’re worth their time or are ineffective. 

I recommend at least giving them a couple of tries to see if they’ll work for your needs. Here’s what they are:

  • Prepare for every meeting: And insist others do the same. A clear agenda and timing makes your interactions more natural and expected. No more awkward interruptions!
  • Talk to the host: You don’t have to tell them what to do, but ensure they moderate everything and you get time to speak. This will especially be necessary if other people don’t prepare.
  • Use meeting tools: You might not be comfortable with interrupting, no matter how much practice you dedicate to it. So, find an alternative! For example, use the hand feature in tools like Zoom and Google Meet. 
  • Voice your concerns afterward: Sometimes, meetings go poorly, or someone is disrespectful. If this happens, share what your perspective with the host after they’re over. But don’t complain – your goal is to improve meeting flows and outcomes, so let them see that as well.
  • Follow up with everyone after the meeting: Especially with complex or long meetings, valuable information can be lost. So, send an email or message after with your questions, opinions, solutions, and what you thought the main takeaways were.
  • Lean into your listening skills: Listen to understand, not answer. Ask questions, and summarize and paraphrase what others said for alignment. You’ll not only come away with greater clarity but so will everyone else. Plus, they’ll appreciate how purposefully you listen and what you do with the information after.
  • Be the calm one: This can be hard! Sometimes, very hard! But you already have what you need to be the voice of reason and stability when a meeting turns to chaos. When it does, determine if the meeting should continue or be postponed until later so it can remain productive.

But don’t try to dominate the conversation

This is so very tempting to do. Many people think they’ll only be heard and only get their way if they:

But this is simply not true. Yes, it can be argued that dominating the conversation does make you more likely to be heard (and even possibly to get your way). However, what damage does this cause to your reputation? 

Also, this style of communication is exhausting! And you might cause more harm than good for all involved.

So, I recommend against it. Stick with the other techniques. It might be harder, but you’ll achieve better results in the end.

The short version: cross-functional meetings don’t have to be a nightmare

Unfortunately, cross-functional meetings are often difficult and can devolve into everyone shouting over one another to get what they want. For us introverts, this can result in a particularly challenging environment we don’t feel equipped for. 

But you can achieve your goals in such meetings, especially because you’re an introverted engineering manager. This is true whether you’re a:

  • Social introvert 
  • Thinking introvert
  • Anxious introvert 
  • Or restrained introvert

You can do this by taking the following steps:

  • Working with what you have: Working with the skills you do have as an introvert, such as listening, or improving your weaknesses, such as feeling comfortable around others
  • Knowing you’re actually pretty good at talking: You might not gravitate toward or enjoy doing it, but when you do talk, you’re just as good as anyone else
  • Use various motivations to keep going: These include your team needing you as their advocate, how much your credibility improves when you do advocate for them, and aligning all teams
  • And use the various tools at your disposal: These include preparing for every meeting, talking with the host, using meeting tools, following up after, and so on

Remember, you don’t have to be the best talker or meeting participant ever. You just have to be good enough to achieve your goals. And this, you can definitely do.

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Originally published on Medium.com

Content in this blog post by Alex Ponomarev is licensed under CC BY 4.0.