Have you ever free dived before?
In Portugal, the beaches have transparent water, and many kids spend their summers with goggles and snorkels, watching little fish on the coast. When I tried it myself, I realized how easy it is to forget how much I need oxygen until I don’t have it available.
As an engineering manager (EM), if you stopped having one-on-one meetings, you’d likely feel the same way.
As an introvert, you probably prefer to avoid meetings altogether and might believe they’re a waste of time. For your team, though, these private meetings are indispensable, just like oxygen.
And as a manager, making sure your team is breathing and healthy is your top priority, so one-on-one meetings should be part of your routine. This is why.
The power of one-on-ones
As EMs, you take on many different roles for your team. You can be their counselor, career adviser, and sometimes their teacher.
However, for you to know what to be and to whom you need information, such as:
- How your engineers feel
- What they’re working on and their struggles
- Their hopes, priorities, and desires
- What kind of people they are
- And the relationships they have with each other
This information will give you the context you need to manage effectively and prevent problems down the line. However, no one will tell you this in a group meeting.
Would you, as an introvert yourself, share why you’re frustrated with a task in front of everyone? Or tell your manager why you’re angry at another engineer?
Probably not.
Group meetings can feel overwhelming, even to non-introverts. One-on-ones, however, create a safe, private space for your engineers to express themselves, giving you all the information you need to help them. They also allow you to focus on one person at a time instead of having to manage many.
Also, by building this deeper connection, your engineers trust you more and see that they’re cared about. Nearly 70% of U.S. workers said they’d quit because of a bad manager. So, show them you aren’t one by doing what it takes to not be!
What makes an effective one-on-one?
It’s hard to measure the results of one-on-one meetings. Meeting once doesn’t do anything for your team, like buying your girlfriend flowers once doesn’t make her love you.
So, it’s easy to stop doing one-on-ones because if you skip one meeting, your team doesn’t collapse, and problems don’t magically appear.
But if you never meet with your ICs, you will see the consequences in a few months. There will be more:
- Misunderstandings
- Conflicts
- Wasted time and effort
- And engineers leaving
It’s the act of meeting every week for years that generates outstanding results. Just how paying attention to details and showing up for your girlfriend consistently makes her love you.
However, there are two things you’ll want to keep an eye on after every meeting to make sure they’re effective long term:
- Discussing important topics: if you wanted to flag a problem or recognize some achievement and did this, then the meeting was a success
- Learning something new: if you didn’t discuss anything “important” but learned something new about your engineer, you successfully improved the relationship – even if it seems like nothing major was accomplished, this is the most important thing you can do in these meetings
How to break the silence with most engineers
If two people are awkwardly silent in a meeting, it’s the most excruciating thing ever. However, all it takes to break this silence is one of you starting a conversation.
As the EM, you will have to be this person. It might be painful, but you can learn the art of small talk. And, once you learn the patterns that exist around it (like asking open questions), you’ll see it’s not as difficult as it seems.
In fact, everything can be used as small talk if the context is right. Questions out of nowhere won’t make much sense. But if you consider what you know and then ask one, it’s the start of a nice conversation:
- What did you do after work yesterday? (useful if they had to leave earlier or if you noticed them preparing for something the day before)
- How’s the weather? (useful with remote teams in different countries – you can then talk a little about your town and weather)
- What are you currently reading? (you can share a relevant quote that somehow makes you think of them and then ask them this question)
- What are your plans for the weekend? (you can ask this after sharing your plans)
The more you practice, the easier it will get. Also, the deeper the relationship you build with someone, the easier it is to be comfortable with each other. They might even start breaking the ice!
How to break the silence with super introverted engineers
When I was a kid, I used to go to summer camps. The first days were awful, and I hated being the silent, awkward kid in the corner with nothing relevant to share.
As days passed, I’d have opportunities to talk with others because of the group activities. After a week, I’d no longer be an outsider but a friend, thanks to our shared experiences.
With super introverted engineers, breaking the ice in one meeting won’t be enough. They are very reserved and will gladly keep the conversation short and work-related. This is great if you need to save time!
But it’s good to know that the awkwardness will take longer to fade, and the only way to do it is by creating common experiences together over something you both enjoy.
Finding that common interest will probably have to be forced at first. Unfortunately, you’ll have to ask random, out-of-nowhere questions about:
- Their hobbies
- Their dreams
- And what they would do if they didn’t have to work at all
As an introvert myself, I know how painful this sounds. However, after finding this common interest, you’re able to connect with the person behind the engineer more easily.
As an example, let’s say you both like playing video games. You can now prepare for the meeting by:
- Thinking about games you enjoy
- New games coming out
- Something you know about their favorite game
- And so on
After a while, you’re no longer strangers – you’re two gamers who share a common passion. And because that relationship is stronger, being open with you will become easier for them.
The magic solution to all your struggles
One of my goals this year was to lose weight. I knew everything I had to do, and the list wasn’t difficult to follow either:
- Weigh my food, so I know how many calories I’m eating
- Measure how many calories I’m burning on a daily basis
- And make sure I’m burning more calories than what I’m eating
It’s simple, right? And yet, I didn’t do it. Not because I didn’t want to lose weight (I did) but because my focus was elsewhere.
Our brain has limited energy. Because of this, you naturally tend to focus on what’s more:
- Urgent
- Pleasurable
- Or easier
You may not always be able to make something you need to focus on fall into one of those categories, but keeping this in mind helps you understand the challenges you’ll face. Because, ultimately, getting better at one-on-ones is 80% making it your priority and 20% improving your skills with them, such as studying small talk strategies.
I can help you with the 20% and give you some of what I use. But focusing is the magic solution you need to improve and handle one-on-ones better.
So, eliminate distractions, block time for study and practice, and start now!
Prepare in advance – always
Whether you have difficulty with small talk and building rapport, a hard time balancing listening and directing the conversation, or trouble thinking of questions or topics on the spot, the solution is the same:
Preparing beforehand.
That’s the most efficient strategy you can use to solve almost every communication problem. With AI, it doesn’t even have to be time-consuming anymore.
You can open ChatGPT, write everything you know about the person you’re meeting, and ask for some ideas for small talk. Or you can use it to organize a meeting in the most logical way so directing the conversation is easier.
Until you’re able to improvise, always prepare in advance.
If you already do
If that habit is already part of your life, you can also try the following strategies. These will help you develop your communication skills over time and grow your influence with your team (people respect leaders who care about them):
- Asking different questions: you’re great at listening, so ask open questions to encourage others to talk and share (instead of yes or no questions).
- Working to not being nervous or anxious: if you feel stressed about having face-to-face interactions, take deep breaths before the meeting. Being and appearing calmer creates a safe environment for others to do the same.
- Sharing more about yourself: when asking questions to the other person, remember to also share about yourself to maintain a balanced conversation (instead of an interrogation).
- Following up in writing: send a well-thought-out message summarizing the meeting and asking any questions you might have. This way, you also clarify everything and avoid misunderstandings.
- Not trying to be someone else: even though you have to be more talkative as an EM, you don’t have to become someone you’re not. Allow for comfortable silences to think before replying, and don’t feel pressured to show emotions as someone else might.
- Making one-on-ones regular: by making meetings part of your routine, small talk becomes easier. You can always refer back to something you previously talked about, and regularity prevents growing distance between you.
- Reviewing your meetings: study what’s working and what could be improved and apply it next time.
- Scheduling recharge time: before and after meetings, take a break if you can. Not only to prepare but also to recharge in solitude and peace.
The short version: one-on-ones matter
One-on-one meetings with your team accomplish three very important goals:
- Give you the context and information you need about your engineers to do a good job as their manager
- Provide a safe space for your engineers to feel comfortable talking with you
- And help you build a deeper relationship with them that not only makes them feel safer at work but also happier
However, knowing if these meetings are productive can be a challenge because the goal isn’t always tangible, and their effects aren’t typically immediate. But as long as you’re discussing important topics or learning something new about your engineer, you’re doing something worthwhile.
Some of the skills you’ll have to master to handle one-on-ones are:
- Small talk and asking open questions
- Finding common interests with your more introverted engineers
- Reviewing your meetings to find ways to improve
- Sharing more about yourself to create a connection with others
- Appearing calm to create a safer environment
- And following up in writing to clarify any doubts
So, focus on preparing your meetings in advance to become better at handling them and try to have them regularly. Your team will ultimately be grateful to you for all the work you’ve put in, and your results will reflect this.
Coming up
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Join me on Monday (March 10), when I’ll be exploring strategies for staying grounded and building confidence when navigating challenging situations. Subscribe below so you don’t miss out on this or further updates.
See you then!
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Originally published on Medium.com
Content in this blog post by Alex Ponomarev is licensed under CC BY 4.0.
