Do you ask for regular feedback from your team?
Many managers don’t, especially introverts. But regular honest feedback helps you improve and guides you to becoming a more effective leader.
For example, it helps you know if you're:
- Communicating clearly with your team
- Setting realistic goals and expectations
- And providing the support they need
But receiving honest feedback from your team can be a challenge.
For one, you’ll probably dread asking for it and engaging in that conversation. And for two, because people might not want to tell you what they really think!
In an ideal world, your team would feel comfortable sharing their true opinions with you. However, it’s rare to receive this kind of candid feedback as an engineering manager (EM). Not because they’re trying to flatter you but because it can be intimidating to give constructive criticism to the person who can fire you.
So, your job is to create this environment and maintain a good attitude when receiving feedback from them.
Listen and reflect on what the feedback is really saying
As an introvert, you’re likely to take things personally – at least for me and the many EMs I’ve spoken to. But the truth is no one likes being put on the spot or getting frustrated and turning a meeting into an argument. So, feeling apprehensive about these things is normal, especially if you don’t enjoy meetings in the first place.
Also, negative (and even constructive) feedback often triggers self-doubt or feelings of rejection, making what’s shared feel like an attack. This is especially true if you’re more sensitive, and it adds even more tension to these moments.
Because of this, your immediate response could be second-guessing yourself or even getting stuck on the feedback you’re given. Either way, these issues undermine your confidence in your effectiveness as an EM.
But they don’t have to. In fact, with enough practice and time, you won’t even have to deal with them at all.
If you experience negative feelings when communicating with someone, listen deeply and reflect on what’s been shared:
- Was this person trying to hurt you on purpose?
- Could you be overreacting or being too sensitive in this situation?
- Is there another way to interpret what they’re saying?
- Have you behaved like this in the past, and were you wrong to do so?
- Does their behavior remind you of someone else or feel familiar in some way?
- How many times have you experienced a similar situation? What are you missing?
Ideally, these questions lead you to understand what you’re really being told. They’ll also help you build more self-awareness and improve how you deal with your emotions.
Some examples
For example, maybe an engineer tells you you’re not communicating enough, and they’re not clear on their expectations. You could interpret this as them saying you’re bad at your job, but the likelihood is they’re just frustrated because they don’t know what to do. So, you can:
- Apologize
- Ask them what they specifically don’t know
- And communicate as needed
But they might also be wrong.
Feedback is someone’s interpretation of reality, not the truth. You may have communicated quite clearly on several occasions, possibly even async. In that case, you can point them to these prior conversations. But again, there’s no reason to take what they say personally.
Other times, their feedback may not be very helpful.
For instance, they may ask for more one-on-ones so they can get more feedback about their performance. Again, you could interpret this as you doing a poor job, but you could also ask them to explain why they think this is necessary. You may both discover the feedback wasn’t as useful as they initially thought.
And if they really are attacking you personally, just outright saying you’re a terrible manager or bad person, then it’s time to have a serious conversation with them about professionalism.
Take negative feedback positively
If you ask a child how they feel about their parents right after being told to do their homework, their response won’t be very positive. They wanted to play video games, not do school assignments.
But does that mean the parents are bad? Of course not – what they did is part of parenting.
To put this in work terms, when you receive negative feedback as an EM, it might be a sign you’re doing your job well.
Your role isn’t about keeping everyone happy all the time, even though that is part of your responsibilities. Your team’s work serves a purpose: to create value for the company. And sometimes, that means doing tasks that aren’t fun or exciting.
So, you’ll set boundaries and balance passion with completion. But encouraging this “good enough” approach can frustrate your team, leading to negative feedback and feelings of being held back and limited.
That doesn’t make you a bad manager, though. In fact, doing this makes you the opposite.
However, if you ever feel insecure after receiving feedback, get a second opinion from your supervisor. They can guide you through the feedback and analyze it with you.
Take positive feedback negatively
No one talks about handling positive feedback because most people find it easier to hear. This is normal – we like hearing we’re good at something.
However, take positive feedback with a grain of salt. As a manager, you should know that your team will always be ready to give you positive feedback – constructive, not so much. Asking them how you’re doing as an EM and getting positive answers doesn’t mean that’s the full truth.
You could very well be (and probably are) a great manager. But you, like everyone, have areas for improvement. So, if no one offers constructive suggestions, that’s a red flag. But don’t dwell on the feedback you receive, either, wondering if you should actually take what’s said into account.
Instead, balance things out by looking for both kinds of feedback. Again, if needed, you can always discuss the issue with your manager.
Additionally, avoid leaning too much into positive feedback. When everyone tells you you're amazing, it’s easy to think you can do no wrong and your decisions are always right.
But no one is correct all the time. When you stop analyzing your work (which is unlikely as an introvert with a natural tendency to overthink, but still possible!), you sabotage yourself and turn into a smug boss.
Needless to say, becoming an entitled, stagnant manager is one of the quickest ways to lose your team’s respect and your job.
Create a safe, healthy environment
Receiving feedback well is one part of being an effective introverted EM – the other is creating the kind of environment your team feels comfortable sharing their thoughts.
Here’s what you can do.
Schedule sessions to avoid blank pages
There’s a common problem writers face called “blank page syndrome.” This happens at the beginning of every new project – they stare at the blank page, and nothing comes up.
Similarly, if you corner someone and ask for immediate thoughts on your performance, I can guarantee you they will experience the same “syndrome.” All possible good ideas they had will suddenly vanish, and they will have nothing to tell you.
Even if they do, because you’ve initiated this spontaneous conversation, you can also suffer from “blank page syndrome.” After all, when they’ve shared their feedback, you now have to come up with something to respond with during this likely uncomfortable conversation.
Instead of creating this nightmare, set up weekly or monthly feedback sessions. This structure also lets you mentally prepare for a longer conversation.
Plus, it lets you ask your team to prepare in advance as well. Encourage them to bring at least three specific talking points of things you could improve and things you're doing well.
Ask questions about the process, not you
Structure also applies to your questions. For instance, instead of asking, “How am I doing as a manager?” ask how your ICs feel at work. These can be questions such as:
- “Is anything causing you frustration?”
- “Have you found any improvement points?”
- And so on
The idea here is to take the pressure off evaluating you and shift the focus to procedures. This helps them feel more comfortable being honest and still gives you valuable information about areas you have a hand in. Plus, you’ll be less likely to feel personally attacked and ponder their words for days, weeks, or even longer.
For people new to the team, you can try another strategy. Specifically, ask them to compare experiences with their previous company to yours. Again, this takes some pressure off and provides you with ideas for improvement.
Share your own thoughts
Another idea is being open about how you think you could improve. Some people are averse to this because it makes them feel vulnerable and weak. In reality, this creates a more collaborative atmosphere and trusting team.
For example, you could start a feedback session by acknowledging a weakness. You could say, “I know I’ve been running late to meetings recently, and that’s something I’m working on. I’d also love to hear any other ways I can improve.”
This opens the door for more honest, real conversations because you are no longer a distant leader – you are a relatable human. Stepping down off the pedestal makes your team connect with you on a deeper level and feel more at ease around you.
Don’t react poorly
How you respond to feedback matters as well. If someone mentions in a meeting how your delays have affected productivity, and you lash out, you just reduced the chances of receiving honest feedback again in the future.
As an introvert, you may not think you’re likely to do this, but everyone has their breaking point. This is especially true if you’ve neglected self-care and are tired and irritable.
So, to minimize the chances of this happening, take time to be alone and rebalance your emotions.
Creating this kind of predictability in your behavior helps build trust and a comfortable environment for your team.
The short version: feedback is everything
As an engineering manager, getting honest feedback from your team is tricky but crucial. Without it, everyone struggles, including you.
So, here’s what you can do to ensure you receive feedback regularly and honestly:
- Listen and reflect on what your team is really saying: ask yourself various questions, such as whether the person’s intent was malice or if you’re overreacting – this way, you can determine how to respond
- Take negative feedback positively: negative feedback can often be a sign you’re doing your job right because, sometimes, your team will need to do things they don’t want to, and you’re the one telling them
- Take positive feedback negatively: getting only positive feedback means your team doesn’t feel safe to give you constructive
- Create a safe, healthy environment: schedule feedback sessions in advance and at regular intervals, ask questions about the process (not yourself), share your own thoughts on how you’re doing, and don’t react poorly
And remember, feedback isn’t a reflection of your value, so separate it from your self-worth. If you let them, both positive and constructive feedback help you evolve.
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Originally published on Medium.com
Content in this blog post by Alex Ponomarev is licensed under CC BY 4.0.