What’s the last conflict you saw or were a part of? How did it end?
If it was like many conflicts, it likely ended with at least one of the following:
- People yelling or screaming at one another
- Hurt feelings
- Grudges
- Frustration or disappointment
- And people not speaking to one another for extended or indefinite periods of time
For many, this is enough to make them wish conflict was unavoidable, especially if they’re introverts. In a way, it feels like skydiving, so intense and uncomfortable you nearly shut down until it’s over.
But I disagree that conflict is a bad thing. I don’t hope for conflict, but I recognize its value. Such as bringing up tensions that would otherwise stay buried and serving as a (rough) catalyst for alignment and improvement.
However, transforming conflict from something destructive into something valuable requires specific:
- Knowledge
- Practice
- And strategies
But once you have those, you’ll start seeing conflict for what it really is: an opportunity. You’ll also gain more perspective and skills as you learn new ways of handling it.
Even as an introvert, all of this is easier to accomplish than you might think, and it starts with knowing what you’re facing, or rather, who you’re supporting.
Work with your audience and situation, not against them
Ego plays a part in any conflict, especially the more responsibilities and power people have. This is not to say managers are egotistical – they’re as diverse and human as anyone. But it’s easy to get used to an elevated level of authority and how others defer to it.
However, when you have two or more managers of relatively equal power? Things become a bit more complicated.
Whether intentionally or not, they can try exerting that authority in collaborations and discussions with one another. Even for good reasons, such as advocating for their teams.
But this can also cause unnecessary friction and tension. And even if they respect you enough to listen when you step in, they’re going to expect the same level of respect back.
So, when you mediate a conflict, make sure you:
- Understand both perspectives: Listen and understand both sides (something you should already be good at!), their problems, and the solutions they’re after. Not only because both might have valid points but also because if they feel heard, they’ll be more open to hearing others as well.
- Stay patient: Conflicts are complex and take time to safely and effectively untangle – it’s better to let them go on for a bit too long than it is to rush them and risk an explosion.
- Create opportunities for all sides to save face: Avoid pointing out who’s right or wrong or using sarcastic or condescending humor.
- Treat it like a collaboration: Believe and put into practice the idea that everyone either wins or loses together.
- Make your own decisions: If you think another solution is better than the ones on the table, suggest it.
Learn to surf
Contrary to popular opinion, you can’t control your emotions during a conflict. However, you can:
- Understand
- Embrace
- Train
- And improve them
Think of yourself as a surfer. Do you control the ocean and its waves? Do you control when it storms or when the day is calm?
No, not even the best of us can. However, you can:
- Plan ahead
- Train
- And ride those waves instead of getting tossed off your board
That’s all well and good with surfing, but how do you do the same with strong emotions during conflict? For that, you need:
- Awareness: If you can’t distinguish one wave from another, you can’t surf any. Emotions can cloud your judgment and make thinking about problems more difficult. So, practice identifying what you and others are feeling, why, and how to respond.
- Understanding: Before even attempting to surf, you need to know the weather that day and check the water before paddling out. If they get too intense, leave and come back another time. Similarly, pause a meeting or interaction if it’s getting too intense and unproductive. Let everyone calm down, reflect and analyze, then come back ready to collaborate.
Common conflicts and how to solve them
There are usually two types of conflicts you’ll need to manage:
- When both managers get too emotional and fight, behaving inappropriately
- And when one manager is rightfully unhappy with the other, pointing out problems that the other doesn’t want to solve
Sometimes, the second scenario escalates to the first one. In that case, solve the fight first by calming people down and addressing the problems second.
1 - Both managers get emotional and fight
Imagine two managers are debating a new solution to a product malfunction. One of them starts yelling while defending the idea that the focus should be on coding, not design. The other yells back and calls the first manager an idiot for not seeing that the design is the problem, not the coding.
Ideally, your company culture is based on respect, and this doesn’t happen frequently. However, not everyone has learned to surf or even does it well when they do. Additionally, everyone has their off days or gets overwhelmed with problems.
I’m no different.
So, first, don’t blame either individual for their part in the conflict. Anyone can fall victim to their own waves, even you.
Instead, start asking questions such as what led each of them to this point, why they’re feeling the way they do, and what they want to happen. If they start yelling again, calmly hold up your hand and wait for them to stop. But don’t tell them to calm down – this will only make things worse.
In fact, don’t tell them to do anything – this will also only make things worse.
As they calm down, help them see how they contributed to a poor situation neither side would benefit from. Ultimately, they should apologize, correct their behavior, and ensure it doesn’t happen again.
2 - One manager is rightfully upset with another
Sometimes, arguments come from one person pointing out to another how their team isn’t doing a good job. In these situations, you have to:
- Understand what the problem is
- See the validity of the claim
- Solve the problem
- And avoid escalation
For example, imagine a design lead’s team has been consistently delivering poor-quality designs to the engineering team. As a result, release timelines have been slipping because of the extra work. The feature delivery date is at risk, which frustrates the release manager.
On the other hand, the design lead says their team is stretched thin, claiming they’re under-resourced and dealing with unclear requirements from stakeholders.
In this situation, you’d listen to both sides and understand if the designs were indeed delivered with poor quality. Then, you’d have to further investigate what the issue really was and solve it.
For example, maybe the design lead was actually protecting underperforming team members. If so, you’d work with them to help those engineers improve their work instead of hiding it.
And what to do if someone just doesn’t want to solve the problem
Sometimes after a fight, one side might be ready to solve the situation, and the other not so much. This can happen frequently and comes about for many reasons, such as:
- Hurt feelings
- Grudges
- Other unresolved conflicts with the same person
- And more
Regardless of the reason, this is a tricky situation. As you well know, work has to keep moving. But, hopefully, at the very least, they don’t become unprofessional and stall or hinder everyone’s responsibilities.
Assuming they don’t, all you can do is listen and ask questions, things like:
- “Why don’t you want to talk to them?”
- “Did I miss something? I’d like to help.”
- And “Could they do something first?”
Even then, they might refuse and shut down any of your attempts to break through. You can point out how this won’t help anything, but that may not matter to them. Sometimes, their pain goes too deep for them to let go of it.
Ultimately, all you can do is try. At some point, you have other responsibilities to care for, as do they.
The short version: you’re better at handling it than you think
Handling conflict isn’t easy and demands a lot of patience and self-awareness. But as an introvert, your listening skills, natural empathy, and tendency to reflect will help you mediate issues between other managers.
To do so:
- Listen and understand both sides
- Stay patient
- Create opportunities for all sides to save face
- Treat it like a collaboration
- And make your own decisions if necessary
Ultimately, try to get both sides to acknowledge their part in the conflict, apologize, and work together toward a solution.
If one side doesn’t want to communicate with the other, reassure the manager who made the first move towards resolution that they are doing the right thing and that it’s not their fault.
Ultimately, handling conflict helps your managers grow as humans and get better at solving problems. Conflict doesn’t have to be a bad thing, and your mediation can be a learning process for you and everyone involved.
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Originally published on Medium.com
Content in this blog post by Alex Ponomarev is licensed under CC BY 4.0.
