How To Handle Conflict And Pushback As An Introverted Engineering Manager

Dealing with pushback and conflict as an engineering manager (EM) is never easy, especially as an introvert, but I promise you can.

Even though these situations aren’t pleasant, they’re part of your life now. Working with people means managing:

• Egos
• Opinions
• And personalities

This includes yours, too! 

You’ll naturally complicate this situation when you hire people who are experts, sometimes even more so than you. They’ll have strong perspectives that can clash with yours and others’ – they can even oppose directives you give. 

But you won’t solve this problem by hiring people less skilled or experienced than you. After all, talented, passionate professionals are how you drive your team’s performance forward. And pushback and conflict are a natural, necessary, and, yes, even good consequence of this.

Instead, solving this problem requires tapping into your strengths as an introvert, such as your natural empathy and reflective decision-making. Doing so transforms conflict and pushback from something to fear into something to embrace.

As with anything, your skill in managing these situations takes time and practice. In the beginning, you’ll likely even struggle quite a bit.

1 - Accept that failure will happen

Your engineering background is part of what makes you an amazing EM. But no matter your experience, learning new skills and dealing with unfamiliar situations means making mistakes. Especially when dealing with difficult ones such as conflict and pushback.

You will develop these skills. But until you do, know that it’s normal to feel like you’re not doing a good job. This is part of your growth as an EM.

Still, it is difficult when you struggle with something new, especially an important role. And conflict and pushback can exacerbate this feeling of inadequacy, even the worry of losing your job. 

As an introvert, you have plenty to offer. You’re also more likely to struggle with the anxiety of not doing well and confidently approaching these challenging social situations.

But again, what you’re going through is what every EM goes through, just with some small differences. And there are steps you can take to make this process easier.

2 - Talk to your supervisor

I’ve mentioned this in other posts, but I’m repeating this piece of advice here because it’s so important. 

The first thing you should do after becoming an EM is have a conversation with your supervisor. Ask them about their expectations for your progress and their definition of an excellent EM. Most supervisors will be reasonable and give you the space to make mistakes and learn, but some won’t. 

For example, yours might expect you to become a top-tier EM in two months. In this case, it’s crucial to set the expectation early that this timeline isn’t realistic. You can even use your prior experience as a quality engineer – this took time, so the even more demanding role of an EM should take at least as long.

Don’t be ashamed to ask for your supervisor’s guidance. Your success is theirs, after all. And what they tell you can give you a good headstart on being an effective EM, which means fewer issues they may have to step in on later.

Be specific. You don’t have to tell them you’re an introvert, but you can ask for advice on those areas you think you’ll struggle with, such as conflict and pushback.

And maintain this open and honest communication with them going forward. When you meet, find time to continue asking for their help. Don’t overdo it, but a few things here and there shows them you’re willing to learn and do what’s best to reach goals. 

Again, this may not be easy for you as an introvert, but it will become easier with time.

And remember, if the new role doesn’t work out, your supervisor will see you’ve done your best. No one will be upset with you for going back to a job you excel in.

3 - Know (and use) your superpowers 

Here’s a scenario you may face as an EM: 

• An engineer is working on a task that worked in the development stage but failed when tested with actual data
• The project lead overseeing the rollout asks the developer to fix the issue
• The engineer becomes defensive, disagreeing with the requested changes
• Frustrated, the project lead raises their voice
• Together, they’ve created a conflict that’s, at the very least, difficult to solve on their own

So, what do you do?

Unfortunately, the answer may not be immediately obvious. The lead was right to demand changes, but raising your voice is always something to avoid. 

As an introvert, one step you can take is leaning into your “superpowers”:

• Understanding your engineers: As you know, many engineers are introverted. As an introvert yourself, this gives you a deeper insight into who they are and how to approach them.
• Natural empathy and deeper listening skills: Many people, including EMs, wait to talk or get stuck in their viewpoint on a situation. But you’re more likely to make people feel heard and seen. And you’re more likely to gain information that lets you defuse the situation.
• Thinking before you talk: As an introvert, you are less likely to say something offensive or that could escalate the conflict because you take more time to reflect.

But keep in mind that even with all these superpowers, you’re still human. Without self-care, emotional slip-ups become almost inevitable. To lead effectively, you need to find a good work-life balance, no matter how cliché that sounds.

4 - Handle it

Working with experienced senior engineers means pushback is inevitable. This might sound painful and scary, but a little pushback is a good thing because it shows your team is thinking critically and cares about their work. 

Too much pushback, however, could signal a lack of respect or context (i.e., communication). 

Knowing what’s too little and too much takes time and experience, so don’t expect to get this balance right immediately. Remember, you can always ask your supervisor for some guidance, especially in the beginning. But you also have plenty of steps you can take on your own.

Admit your part (if any) and stop fighting

First, in conflicts like the one above, everyone plays a role in the escalation. No one is purely a victim, and everyone needs to admit their part in the problem. This includes you if you were involved. 

Then, to de-escalate, simply stop fighting. This strategy might sound overly simplistic, but it works. 

To understand this, imagine you own a dog (easier if you actually do). Now, imagine another dog starts threatening yours. What options does your dog have?

They can fight back, risking injury or worse. Or they can lie down and show their belly, signaling they’re no longer a threat. The other dog, seeing this, will often just walk away. Your dog has lost nothing and continues on with their day just as happy as before.

People aren’t dogs, of course, but the idea is the same. You don’t have to roll on your back or let someone walk all over you. But when you approach conflict without doing the equivalent of snarling or baring your teeth, you open the door to reconciliation.

At the very least, the other person (or people) will feel strange fighting against someone who isn’t doing the same, and their emotions will dwindle. And even if you aren’t part of the conflict, you can still help those involved de-escalate by remaining calm and helping them to do the same. 

For example, you can advise the project lead to say something as simple as, “I’m sorry,” or “You’re right,” which can work wonders. They’re not “losing” the argument because the real loss comes from the arguing itself.

Find a solution together

Once the conflict is de-escalated, start moving toward a solution. For example, you could advise the project lead to say, “I could be wrong. So, how would you approach this?” or “Why did you do things that way?”

Then, whether you’re involved or just helping, use your listening skills and empathy to really understand the engineer’s viewpoint. Ask them questions to show you’re really interested in what they’re saying and in reaching a resolution. Do the same with the project lead.

This also strengthens the bridge between you and your team, or at least those people. And you’ll gain more information (and trust) to see your side if it truly is the best option. You may even end up combining ideas.

Humility is key for this strategy to work. Even if you were the best engineer in your company, you won’t always be right as an EM. Your job is not coding anymore – it’s leading. And that means you won’t know all the details in all situations. 

So, no matter your role in the situation, your solution might not be the most appropriate. Your team’s different perspectives will help you reach stronger outcomes. So, in meetings and discussions, remember that the goal is to solve the problem together – not to fight each other or be right.

5 - Prepare for hard conversations

Let’s say you have a meeting with an argumentative engineer. From my experience, the strongest team members often push back when I assign them new tasks. But again, as uncomfortable as it may be, this isn’t necessarily a bad sign.

However, these meetings need to be productive, so I developed the following routine:

1. Prepare a list of talking points: I always bring this to help me remember everything I want to discuss. The more intense the conversation gets, the more uncomfortable I am. So, it’s easier to lose track of my thoughts – having this list boosts my confidence.
2. Block extra time: More difficult conversations take longer. Instead of assuming one will take 30 minutes like usual, I block one hour. Rushing the conversation because I have another meeting soon adds unnecessary pressure to an already tense situation.
3. Drink coffee: Doing this beforehand boosts my energy. As an introvert, I need that extra push to engage in longer discussions. It’s also important to find my emotional balance so I can stay calm and composed.
4. Maintain perspective: Most problems aren’t life-or-death situations. If we take a step back and approach things with a cool head, we often find straightforward solutions.

Over time, you’ll create strategies specific to each engineer on your team. What works for one person might not work for another, and that’s okay. Understanding their personalities will help you better prepare for these conversations.

The short version: conflict is a path to growth

As an engineering manager, facing pushback and conflict is part of your job. It can feel unsettling, especially as an introvert. But you have strengths and strategies you can put to use managing it effectively.

Here’s what you can do:

• Accept that failure will happen: Everyone struggles in a new role at first, especially one as challenging as engineering management. So, accept that you’ll make mistakes and use them to learn.
• Talk to your supervisor: Schedule a meeting with them as soon as possible. Ask them what their expectations are. Continue asking them for help as you meet with them over time.
• Know (and use) your superpowers: Introverts have natural advantages others don’t, such as knowing their engineers better, natural empathy, deeper listening skills, and reflecting before speaking. Use these when handling conflict and pushback, as they’ll make people feel heard and seen and lead to better outcomes.
• Handle the conflict and pushback: Learn when pushback is good and when it isn’t. Admit your part (if any) in the situation and stop (the) fighting so the other person or people will, too. And work toward a solution together. 
• Prepare for hard conversations: Have a routine ready for these types of discussions. For example, I prepare a list of talking points, block out extra time, drink coffee, and maintain perspective on the situation. This helps me navigate them more effectively.

Remember, conflict doesn’t have to mean failure or broken ties. If you let it, what it could mean is an opportunity to improve both yourself and your team. The key is finding common ground and resolving issues together instead of proving someone else wrong.

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Originally published on Medium.com

Content in this blog post by Alex Ponomarev is licensed under CC BY 4.0.