Ever tried to give feedback, and suddenly, your mind went blank?
Or maybe you can’t think of anything helpful to say or only remember things that feel wrong. Even worse, maybe you give constructive feedback, say it the wrong way, and the other person reacts poorly.
This is very common – feedback is tough for most people, especially for introverts! It’s terrifying to tell others they aren’t doing a good job, and it can make you feel like a terrible person.
However, as an engineering manager (EM), giving constructive feedback is a key part of your new job. It’s the only way you can move your team forward and help your engineers become better at what they do.
Therefore, it is imperative to become more comfortable giving feedback. But like acquiring any other skill, it can take some time. There are ways to make the process easier, though.
Avoid the “all or nothing” approach
Imagine you're having a one-on-one with an engineer who failed to deliver tasks on time in recent sprints. This has affected your team's progress, so you’re meeting with him to explain this. Many EMs start this conversation with something like, "This is bad. You need to stop doing this."
The problem is you come across as arrogant and put the engineer on the defensive. What they hear (and rightly so) is some version of the following:
- “You’re not doing anything right”
- “You’re failing”
- Or “I don’t want to work with you”
They’ll especially hear the last one if they tend to overthink or are introverted like you. While this may seem excessive, people generally don't take constructive feedback well, even if you adjust what you say to be more constructive.
But avoiding all constructive feedback is also a problem because if you only give one or the other, people will feel like they’re the best or worst in the industry. The first one’s not as bad as the second, but your goal isn’t to create an emotional rollercoaster or make them feel amazing – it’s to let them know where they are and help them improve.
So, the best strategy is to give both kinds of feedback.
Strike a balance
Imagine the same scenario from above, but this time, the engineer delivered their tasks ahead of time. Now, you have an opportunity to give positive feedback. This will be easier because the engineer won’t feel offended by what you say.
But let’s say they still made some mistakes. Small ones, like their work wasn’t as good as it could’ve been. Is it really necessary to strike a balance with your feedback, even in this situation?
The answer is yes, and there are multiple reasons as to why:
- They need to get used to constructive feedback: if you protect someone from this kind of feedback, even in minor situations, they’ll have no chance to build the kind of mindset they need to receive it well
- You’ll create that rollercoaster when you give it later: eventually, they will receive the constructive feedback about their work – if you give them all positive feedback and then all constructive feedback at different times, they go from thinking they did amazing to questioning themselves and their abilities
- They have to know to improve: they can’t work on those minor mistakes if they’re not mentioned, leading to bigger ones down the road
- It gives them an excuse not to grow: growth is difficult – so, if they only receive positive feedback at one time, they might start taking it easy (they could even develop an inflated ego over this!)
Making the effort to give both positive and constructive feedback at the same time balances the conversation and avoids these issues. It also promotes the idea that mistakes are part of growth and nothing to be afraid of.
Also, with a balanced approach, people see the bigger picture. Their performance as engineers is no longer black or white, good or bad. It's a work in progress, with things they do right and things they need to improve.
As a final point, providing feedback in this balanced way helps you avoid any people-pleasing tendencies you may have. So, instead of struggling with constructive feedback, you can give it knowing you’ll be giving positive feedback, too.
Prepare ahead
Feedback meetings are already probably a bit uncomfortable for you, but they’re even more so when you go into them unprepared. So, instead of improvising in the moment, take notes throughout the week on your team’s performance. I do this myself, and it's very useful.
Then, when I meet with one of my engineers, I no longer have to pull feedback out of thin air, which is extremely stressful and hard for me. I just open my notebook and consult what’s there.
I also recommend setting aside some time to think about what you want to say before the meeting. This gives you some space to prepare for this social interaction as well. I don’t always have time to do this, but when I do, it makes a big difference in my performance.
Additionally, outlining the meeting can reduce any anxiety you might have about starting and leading the conversation. So, structure the meeting to include:
- Small talk
- Talking points
- And time for questions
It's not a monologue, after all.
Make small talk
Small talk isn’t always easy or comfortable, but it creates a safer space. It gives you a way to start the conversation with your engineer. And, because they’re also probably introverted, it gives them a way to start their side of the conversation as well when they respond.
But, like with anything, small talk is a skill. So, if you’re not good at it, take some time to learn and practice. There are many books on mastering this, but here are some of the topics you can use to make small talk in the meantime:
- Updates on recent projects
- How their day is going
- Recent travels
- Their hobbies
- Ask about their family if they mentioned them before
- If you have an international team, ask questions about their culture and country
After breaking the ice and making everyone feel more comfortable, you can move on to the feedback part of your meeting. You don’t have to force this, though. Guide the conversation in that direction when the time feels right – you don’t want to crush a chance to build a stronger relationship with your team member.
Focus on the right thing and say it the right way
When giving feedback, focus on the issue, not the person. Some might view phrases like, “You didn’t do this right” or “Mary made a mistake” as an attack. This makes your feedback harder to accept.
Instead, replace them with phrases like, “This wasn’t done correctly” or “This mistake is delaying our process.” You can still say “you” or name the person, but make sure everyone understands that you’re not blaming them so much as pointing out a problem.
Also, keep in mind that what you say isn’t as important as how you say it. Your:
- Tone
- Body language
- And facial expressions
All of these contribute to how your message is received.
For example, say you said, “This wasn’t done correctly,” but with a tone that could be perceived as sarcastic. This will leave whoever you were saying this to confused or even frustrated.
Alternatively, maybe you do say, “Mary made a mistake,” but your facial expression shows compassion. This is more likely to leave whoever you were saying this supported (if it was Mary) or compassionate as well (if it was someone else).
Be yourself and get help from the group
In group settings, shift the conversation to solve the problem as a group challenge. For example, let's say an engineer has many bugs in their code. Instead of singling them out and saying, "John is doing this wrong," bring the issue to the team and ask for input on how to solve it.
You could say, "I noticed this problem in our coding. How can we make it better?" This turns the situation into a learning opportunity for everyone. The engineer doesn't feel ridiculed, and the team learns how to deal with similar issues in the future.
As a result, you create a more transparent environment where mistakes become opportunities to improve, not something to hide. The better part: receiving and giving feedback becomes more natural, with less resistance. And your role as a manager also gets easier over time as people learn to listen to your feedback without taking it personally.
For this environment to thrive, don’t fall into the trap of behaving like “a boss.” Sometimes, introverts pretend to be something they’re not (extroverts). That doesn’t make anyone happy.
In other words, don’t be afraid to lead the way that works best for you, such as leaning into your natural listening, empathy, and reflective skills.
These traits will make your team feel more comfortable with you. They’ll also build mutual respect through authenticity, essential for them to take your feedback better.
Manage defensiveness
No matter what, sometimes, people will get defensive. You can use all of the above strategies, and it will still occasionally happen.
You’re not perfect, and neither are they.
But you can still take steps to prevent the situation from becoming worse and even bring it back to a productive point. Here are some things you can do:
- When emotions run high, stay calm: Nothing ruins a situation more than escalation. Acknowledge that things are getting heated and reschedule the meeting. And trust yourself when you notice this happening – the more you lean into your empathy and reflection, the more likely you are to use them in the right ways.
- Always prioritize your own self-care: Life can get overwhelming, and bringing outside stress into an already tense work situation sets you up for unprofessional behavior. Taking care of yourself helps you remain composed during difficult moments.
- Recognize your triggers: We all have them, and sometimes, they cause us to misinterpret others’ intentions. Practice staying aware of what they are, so you can steer the situation away from them or not react as poorly if it goes there.
- Let them vent: Sometimes, people just need to get their frustrations out. This should never turn disrespectful, but listen to what they say and see what’s driving it. After, you can always reschedule the meeting, but they’ll at least leave feeling heard.
Short version: balance feedback for better results
As an engineering manager, giving feedback can be tough, especially if you’re an introvert. But it’s a key part of your role, and learning how to do it well improves individual and team performance.
Here’s what to do:
- Avoid the "all or nothing" approach: don’t give just all positive or constructive feedback – this gives your engineers an improper attitude toward their own work and abilities
- Strike a balance: try to always give both types of feedback in the same sessions – this helps your engineers feel confident about themselves and improve at the same time
- Prepare ahead of time: take notes throughout the week to avoid scrambling during meetings, and structure feedback sessions with initial small talk, key points, and questions
- Make small talk: this is a great icebreaker, especially since you’re introverted and likely the other person is, too
- Focus on the right thing and say it the right way: discuss the issue, not the person, and purposefully be aware of your tone, body language, and facial expressions – otherwise, your message might be received poorly, even if it’s a good one
- Be yourself and get help from the group: work together with your team to solve issues and normalize improving from feedback
- Manage defensiveness: reschedule meetings when they get heated, stay aware of your own triggers, let the other person (or people) vent if necessary, and always take care of yourself so you don’t do something you’ll regret later
Also, remember that feedback is a two-way street. Ask your team for their thoughts and insights on your management style and how you can better support them.
Perhaps more than anything else, this shows you’re all in this together, not just you telling them what to do.
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Originally published on Medium.com
Content in this blog post by Alex Ponomarev is licensed under CC BY 4.0.
