Whether a current or future engineering manager (EM), you know how challenging it can be to work with a mix of personality types.
It can be hard to look at ones that don’t match yours and think, “I’m so glad I get to work with this person,” even when they’re doing a great job. This is not because they’re bad – far from it. But you both occupy different parts of the spectrum, leading to confusion and misunderstanding over the value different personalities bring to the work you all do together.
As an introvert, this requires quite a bit of flexibility and adaptation on your part, but it is possible (and good) for you to do. And the first step is understanding the value in taking these steps.
1 - Know the reason behind the need
If you're the boss, why do you need to adapt?
First, the “I’m the boss” mindset is not a good one. Instead, think of yourself as another person on the team who happens to have a different job and perspective than everyone else.
But you are still part of the team.
Your title doesn’t mean ICs need to adjust to your preferences. In fact, it means the opposite. You must meet them where they are and adapt to them. Your results as a manager depend on this kind of adaptation and support.
And effective, tailored communication is an essential component of those results becoming successes or failures.
Also, having the “I’m the boss” mindset usually makes you too authoritarian. When you force people to do only what you want, they will:
- Lose interest in their work, especially creatives. No one likes their ideas always being rejected.
- Become cogs in the machine and forego responsibility. In other words, you’ve created a situation where you either have very tight control over everything or nothing gets done.
- Need your input for even the smallest tasks, making you waste a lot of time checking everything they do.
On the other hand, compromising too much and always doing what your team wants creates chaos. Finding this balance is hard and will take you a while to figure out. Even when you do, you’ll constantly be adjusting as the situation and people in it change.
Doing so requires seeking understanding.
2 - Understand who they are and how they work
When you’re an introvert, it’s easy to see the appeal of only hiring other introverts. After all, you understand one another (at least you’re supposed to). And things like meetings are:
- Short
- To the point
- And you don’t have to hear the latest breaking news on someone’s dog’s digestive problems
But even though this might sound ideal, a team of introverts is more likely to lack connection and sometimes even candidness.
Extroverts, on the other hand, create those moments of connection that help glue your team together. They are also more upfront than introverts and will give you feedback when no one else will.
Admittedly, it will probably feel like an avalanche of information the first few times you talk to them, though. But what you may not realize is that this is energy-draining for the both of you.
For you because you’re sorting out what’s relevant while they talk. And for them because they may feel unheard if you don’t respond. This can cause unnecessary friction and reduce their willingness to share important details or contribute valuable ideas in the future.
Some things to know about extroverts
So, understanding extroverts is key to connecting with and getting the most out of them. This is possible even as an introvert. So, keep these points in mind:
- They thrive on connection: Meetings, small talk, and team moments energize extroverts. They start the day with, “How’s everyone doing?” and are ready to talk about it for an hour (or more!).
- They process by speaking: Extroverts often analyze their thoughts and emotions by talking through them. Their answers might shift as they talk because they’re thinking with you.
- They share (a lot): Extroverts love sharing personal details and feelings. You’ll likely know all about their families, hobbies, and struggles. It’s a level of openness that can sometimes feel overwhelming, but it also provides more opportunities for connections you may not have found otherwise.
The next step is putting that understanding to use.
3 - Put strategies in place to meet their needs and yours
If you’ve ever played an RPG video game, you know how dialogue-heavy it can be, even in small situations. For example, at some point, you’ll probably walk into a store to buy a new sword. But to do that, you need to listen to the shopkeeper tell you everything about your choices or even their whole backstory.
This information could be interesting, even useful, but you may also just want to purchase the sword and leave. And in most games, you can skip this prolonged interaction with a simple push of the button and be on your way.
This would be extremely useful for some situations in real life, but as we all well know, no such button exists. So, what can you do when an extrovert comes your way with a perfectly enjoyable conversation you just don’t have time for? Or if they dominate meeting conversations, whether valuably or not?
You rely on strategies that work.
Use async communication
This is the closest you’re going to get to a real-life skip button. You’re still giving extroverts room to talk through their ideas, but you won’t get overwhelmed, especially when you’re busy with other tasks.
In addition, even if they send you long messages, you can explain that your time is limited and ask for a summary.
To make this a norm, talk to them beforehand so they know you’re not ignoring them (because you’re not). You just have a lot on your plate, and you want to take in what they’re saying, but you can only do so effectively in this truncated manner.
Structure your day
Instead of being available all the time, schedule windows throughout the day to answer messages. This protects your focus during the other windows.
The additional benefit of this strategy is that by the time the person has messaged you (likely more than once), you’ve also given them time to think and possibly even figure out the issue on their own. Or at least gotten closer to an answer.
As this happens over time, they may even begin to trust themselves more and reach out to you less. And creating more of this kind of independence on your team should always be one of your goals as an EM.
Prepare for meetings
Structure is your best friend in meetings with extroverts. Outline discussion points in advance, and encourage others to do the same. This sets a clear agenda, creating more space for everyone to talk, including introverts like you.
Also, by defining time limits, you prevent extroverts from dominating the conversation. If this still happens, don’t confront anyone right away, though. Doing so is tempting, but you’ll create an uncomfortable situation for everyone, and the result will be less optimal.
Instead, discuss the need for limits and equal participation in private. You can even use this time to explain you value their input and why. They’ll feel more respected and ready to do what you’ve asked.
Set clear communication boundaries
To avoid slowing down meetings or getting off-track, ask extroverts to save extra or less-relevant things they want to say for updates or one-on-ones. Again, if you can do this in private or ahead of time, that’s best.
But if you need to do this during the meeting, find gentle ways to do so. These can include saying things like, “What you’re saying is useful, but let’s talk about it more in a one-on-one so we can stay focused on more relevant topics here.”
This may not be ideal for you as, again, your time is already limited and it can be draining, but sometimes compromise is necessary. Still, they may have something valuable to share, and you can inform them upfront how much time you have available to discuss their input.
Use your listening skills
Extroverts solve problems and work through issues with discussion. This is amazing when conversation is essential to reaching the solution. But as I mentioned earlier, this can be incredibly draining for you as an introvert. We just don’t get energy from talking like extroverts do.
So, save your energy and lean into what you’re good at: listening. Respond only when absolutely necessary and to show you are listening to them.
In addition, you’ll learn more about them and get to the root of what they’re saying faster. Between what they say and your thoughtful feedback, together, you’ll develop a better idea than if you’d done so separately or only on each other’s terms.
Short version: you’re better together than apart
As an EM, navigating different personalities – especially extroverts’ – can be challenging. However, connecting with them enhances team relationships, increases productivity, and minimizes conflicts. This ability to adapt is a valuable skill in both your professional and personal world.
But doing so without specific strategies and approaches can lead to disaster. Here are some to get you started:
- Know why it’s necessary: you are another member of your team, with the responsibility of ensuring your team functions well together – so, you must adapt to how your extroverts communicate and work
- Understand who extroverts are and the value they bring: extroverts provide feedback, add bits of connection, and can help you determine things
- Use strategies that work for the both of you: async communication, building in windows to respond to messages, preparing ahead for meetings and encouraging others to the do same, keeping meetings on track, and listening more than talking – all are good options to work with instead of against extroverts as an introvert
Extroverts add a lot to your team dynamics, processes, and productivity. Welcoming and embracing them as an EM will get the most out of the unique value they bring.
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Originally published on Medium.com
Content in this blog post by Alex Ponomarev is licensed under CC BY 4.0.
