Sometimes, you’re going to feel like the “bad guy.”

However, being the “bad guy” doesn’t mean being a toxic boss who is unprofessional or aggressive. As an engineering manager (EM), you have to:

  • Make hard decisions not everyone likes
  • Give engineers feedback (not always positive)
  • Get work done even if someone doesn’t agree with you
  • And let people go

But doing so can be unpleasant for both you and your team.

Why it’s sometimes necessary

Most people want to be liked. But this fact can lead them to be overly accommodating with their team because they don’t want to come across as too harsh. Unfortunately, becoming too lenient turns you into the “doer.” You’ll find yourself:

  • Taking on extra work
  • Fixing a problem here and there
  • And working more and more overtime 

While it’s admirable that you want to support your team, doing so in this way only leads to burnout and resentment. As an EM, you’re not supposed to do the hands-on work. Your job is to manage and support the team who does. 

It’s not only important but sometimes also necessary to be the “bad guy” to:

  • Enforce unpopular but needed technical decisions
  • Implement process changes or new methodologies
  • Assign tasks or projects no one wants 
  • Solve problems
  • Address behavior issues
  • Help engineers learn
  • Resolve conflicts within the team
  • And ensure deadlines are met

So, what do you do if you’re faced with any of these issues? Confront them or try to carry the workload yourself?

You can either exhaust yourself or have an unpleasant conversation and be done with it. It’s like removing a Band-Aid. You don’t want to do it, but you can’t keep it on forever. The quicker you do it, the less it’ll hurt.

It's okay to not be confident with this part of the role when you're just starting out. And it's okay to still feel uncomfortable even if you aren’t! Unfortunately, there's no other way to get better at either than by doing it.

You can choose not to, but it's going to be painful anyway. Avoiding those tough talks ultimately hurts you as a manager, your team, and the potential for success. 

1 - Don’t be someone you’re not

While you need to have those uncomfortable moments and conversations with your team, you don’t need to embody the character of the angry boss you see on TV. 

Being the bad guy doesn’t mean:

  • Shouting at your team
  • Being inappropriate or unprofessional
  • Always criticizing them without any reason
  • And never giving any positive feedback

You might think: “If I let my guard down, the engineers won’t listen to me when I need to be tough.” Or you might be on the other end of the spectrum and think: “They won’t take me seriously if I try to be authoritative.”

It's really hard to always wear a mask, though. Pretending to be someone you’re not will only lead to confusion and dissatisfaction within the team. 

So, if you’re naturally a straight-talker, then tell your team that and explain that you’re discussing the problem, not them as a person. Equally, if you are more of a people-pleaser, then tell them that you find it uncomfortable. You can say: “Hey, I’m sure we both find this uncomfortable. Let’s aim to not repeat this conversation.” 

Your engineers will respect you being upfront and honest. They’ll care more about having a proactive manager who solves problems.

2 - Fix problems as soon as they arise

When some part of your car isn’t working properly, you have to fix it. Yes, you can limp on for a while, but if you don’t address the issue, the car will break down eventually. Similarly, the sooner you face uncomfortable conversations or decisions, the sooner those problems will be fixed.

Let’s say you hire an engineer, and you only give them positive feedback and sugarcoat any mistakes they make. They’ve just started, so you want them to start on a positive note. 

You say to yourself: “Okay, they’re new. They’ll realize the problem soon, and fix it.” Then, after a few months, when things don’t change, you’re forced to address it. Likely, this interaction won’t go well. The engineer won’t understand where the tough talk comes from because they never knew there was anything wrong in the first place and you’ve conditioned them not to expect any!

Talking to engineers about issues as soon as possible ensures:

  • They’ll integrate better into the team
  • There’ll be fewer uncomfortable conversations later on
  • The same problems won’t repeat themselves
  • And the team will perform better

3 - Be specific

I always remind myself that assumption is the mother of all mistakes. If your feedback isn’t specific enough, it makes space for assumptions. 

Let’s say one of your engineers takes six months to deliver on a task when you need it done within a month. You might have a meeting with them, saying: “Oh, you know, there’s room for improvement,” but you’re not getting right to the point. 

They don’t even realize their delivery time is an issue.  

If, on the other hand, you tell them right up front: “Hey, unfortunately, we can’t work on projects indefinitely. It has to be done within this specific timeframe,” they can take this feedback and improve. 

To make your feedback more specific:

  • Make the reasoning behind your decision as clear as possible
  • Connect the decision to broader team or company goals
  • Acknowledge the challenges the decision might cause
  • Stand by your decision while being open to feedback
  • Avoid getting drawn into debates or arguments – you’re the manager, and this is your decision to make

4 - Prepare in advance 

Whenever you know you’ll have an uncomfortable meeting or have to give negative feedback, prepare as much as possible.

I don’t mean giving yourself a pep talk in the mirror (although you should do it if it helps!), I mean:

  • Gather all necessary information, such as:
    • What the issue is
    • Why it’s an issue
    • And how it affects the team and company.
  • Anticipate the engineer’s reaction and think of how you’ll react if they don’t agree or react emotionally.
  • Plan your communication strategy and key points. It’s okay to write down talking points – this way you won't forget the important things.

Without preparation, you might find yourself fumbling for feedback records you forgot to bring, or worse yet, giving the wrong feedback. Then, you’ll have to schedule another meeting to correct it – and trust me, no one enjoys repeating these uncomfortable conversations.

5 - Reassure your team

Sometimes – if not all of the time – you have to remind engineers that negative feedback isn’t an attack on them. 

It happens in my own team, even with people I've been working with for many years. I always try to be direct and expect the same from my team. They know that when I'm pointing something out, it doesn't mean they’re bad people. But, sometimes, I still need to reassure them.

This is especially true if someone on your team is:

  • More anxious
  • Tends to react poorly to criticism
  • Or takes it personally

It’s okay to remind them: “Hey, this is just feedback. It doesn't mean you're a bad person or are going to get fired. Just fix it, and let’s move on.”

With someone new, you might need to repeat this three or four times to make sure they don’t overthink your feedback. It’s a learning curve for everyone. 

What to do when being tough doesn’t work

Sometimes, no matter how hard you try to be fair, how many performance reviews you give, and one-on-ones you have, problems just don’t get solved. 

Imagine a situation where you give an engineer feedback, including constructive criticism. But he says: “I don't agree. You tell me that I didn't do a good job, but I think I did.” What do you do in this case? Address the issue or let it slide?

Sometimes people don't agree and that’s okay. But as a manager, you’re the one who sets the expectations. If you explain them, but they are continually ignored or not met, then it’s probably not a good fit.  

Imagine you’re the head chef in the kitchen. You tell the kitchen staff the recipe for the dish you’re serving tonight. They might disagree, but if they don't follow your recipe, customers will be disappointed because they won’t get what they expected. And you’re the one responsible for that as the head chef and leader of the team. 

It’s the same as being an EM. If someone in your team keeps failing to meet expectations, they are letting you and the rest of the team down. It’s very difficult to work together in those situations.

And trying to continue working together ultimately ends poorly. It means more work for you as the manager. But, also, it affects the whole team and leads to resentment. If you allow somebody to do substandard work, the rest of your team will wonder why they are held to a different standard. They’ll eventually stop putting in the effort.  

It's worth trying to find a middle ground, though. If, after repeated attempts to talk to them, they continue making the same mistakes or just plainly disagree with you, it might be better to let them go.

It’s unfortunate to realize that, as a manager, you hired someone who isn’t the right fit. It doesn’t mean they are a bad person or you are a bad manager, though. It just happens sometimes. 

The short version: you can’t be a great EM without being the “bad guy” sometimes

Being tough is oftentimes the hardest part of being an EM. No one likes to upset others or have uncomfortable talks. But as a manager, it’s your job to deal with the problems even when you don’t feel confident or when your team sees you as the “bad guy.”

Some ways to make this aspect of the role more bearable are being: 

  • Genuine: don’t be too hard on your team when you don’t have to be.
  • Efficient: fix problems as soon as they show up. The longer you ignore them, the more painful it’ll be to solve them in the future.
  • Specific: not everyone has the same understanding and standards as you – make sure there are no misunderstandings.
  • Prepared: gathering all the information, documents, and talking points makes you feel more confident in an uncomfortable situation.
  • Reassuring: remind engineers that negative feedback isn’t an attack on them, especially if you know they tend to take criticism personally.
  • Honest: after exhausting all possibilities, know when it’s time to part ways.  

Don’t forget that being the “bad guy” is relative. What someone might see as negative, another will appreciate as constructive. You’re only truly the “bad guy” if you handle problems aggressively or unprofessionally. 

Sometimes, we also need to be tough on ourselves — especially when we are in the unfavorable position of not meeting expectations. On Wednesday, I’ll explore the common ways engineering managers can underperform and, more importantly, how we can course-correct.

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Originally published on Medium.com

Content in this blog post by Alex Ponomarev is licensed under CC BY 4.0.