Can someone with a personality that gets drained from interactions with people be effective in a role requiring constant interactions with people?
On the surface, the answer to this question seems obvious: an emphatic no.
If you’re an introvert considering the engineering manager (EM) role, your thoughts probably follow the same line of thinking. After all, extroverts excel in the job because it plays to their strengths. Anything else just doesn’t seem to make sense.
But introverted engineering managers are more like sleeper hit movies: you don’t know they’re going to be successful until they are. This doesn’t mean they had to do anything special or that they’re actually better EMs than others – what it does mean is they have a place at the table, too.
If nothing else, I’m living proof of that. This is what that proof looks like.
Being and becoming an introvert
Where does your introversion come from? Maybe this doesn’t matter to you, but it does to me.
I’m a natural introvert, exacerbated by something that happened a lot when I was a kid: switching schools. Even if you’ve never done that before, you probably remember the “new kid”:
- They come in midway through the year
- The teacher introduces them to everybody
- Then they sit down in their seat and stay quiet, hoping to be forgotten
They’re lucky if they make one friend in the first month.
Unfortunately, I know this all too well. For various reasons, my efforts to fit in never worked – kids always treated me as different. Looking back on it now, I wasn’t different – just new.
But somewhere along the way, I internalized this feeling of not fitting in. Everyone was always pointing out my differences, even into my adult years, so I accepted that was the way I was always going to be: different.
Eventually, I realized that was a “them” problem and not a “me” problem, but the feeling of not fitting in stayed with me. It’s not a social anxiety, just a consequence of my experiences that exacerbated my introversion.
My unique form of introversion
In case you don’t know, introversion is a little different for everyone. For example, some introverts reflect frequently, while others spend more time withdrawn and isolated.
For me, it’s becoming exhausted from social situations. I need time to recharge before and after them.
As an example, I spent two weeks in October 2024 traveling and communicating with stakeholders and teams. When I came back, I was exhausted. Not from the traveling but from the amount of social interactions I was leading and a part of.
Talking is a skill I’ve gotten better at over the years. However, after that much of it, especially having complex and important conversations with others, I need a break.
This doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy interacting with others, though – I do. All it means is I get drained, whereas others might get energized from the same situation.
Getting into tech
Tech has always been a part of my life, even when I was a kid. I’ve written about this before, but my grandfather especially had a big impact on me in that way. He was always tinkering with things like ham radios, and he even built a computer from scratch!
His mind was a wonder to me, and I started to develop a similar one. Sometimes, it was just playing video games – other times, it was tinkering like he did. He was a radio engineer, but I preferred computers.
Through them, I also found a community that did accept me for who I was. The internet was also growing in popularity, and I started putting what I loved to use as a software engineer.
Becoming an engineering manager
As I worked more and more in the software development industry, I took on a lot of different roles, engineering, QA, and design being a few of them. It’s a blessing and a curse that I always want to do more.
So, becoming an engineering manager was almost inevitable.
One day, the opportunity presented itself when a client offered me a project I quickly realized required more than just me working on it. I suggested using the money to pay a small team of engineers – I would manage them for free.
You might think this was an insane decision, but I saw the value in the sacrifice. As an engineer alone, you can only do so much. As an EM, you have greater scope.
The transition was very difficult – I think most new EMs experience this. But I don’t regret it. In fact, I’m quite happy with the choice, even all these years later. There are still many areas of engineering management I’m working on, but I love learning and evolving.
Being an introverted engineering manager
In case you’re not aware, the EM role is not a technical one. Everything you do revolves around people, whether you’re introverted, extroverted, or ambiverted. No matter who you are, you’re going to work with people, and they’re going to demand a lot from you. Not because they’re demanding but because they need your help and support in many ways.
Misconceptions
Going into engineering management, I had the expectation I’d work with amazing professionals, and I wouldn’t need to talk much. I would just give them the opportunity to do cool things, and they would do it.
And, I’ve found quite a lot of people like that!
But I’ve also discovered a lot of people who aren’t. And how do you work with engineers and other managers and teams who don’t align with the vision you had in mind when taking on the role?
But here’s the problem with communication: it only works if you do it well and they receive it well.
As an engineer becoming an EM, I struggled with the first part. As you well know, you just don’t have a lot of reason to communicate as an engineer! And if you’re an introvert, you communicate even less than normal!
I have gotten better at this over time, but I didn’t expect the second part. Specifically, I didn’t expect people to:
- Not take notes
- Forget half of what was said
- Stretch out conversations with irrelevant tangents
- And constantly need help, even on the smallest issues they could solve themselves
Again, only some people do this. However, as a new EM who was also introverted, it felt like a flood. And I did the one thing you shouldn’t do in such a situation: I tried to stop it myself.
Struggles
When you’re a newer EM, you’re willing to:
- Take on any extra work
- Support every single person
- And stay up late every night to do so
You throw yourself against the growing flood, thinking you can shrink it to a drizzle. But not just for yourself – you’re doing this for everyone. You want to succeed, and you want the same for them.
So, you:
- Meet every time someone says it’s necessary
- Reexplain yourself as often as asked for
- Step in and help when someone’s struggling
- And respond immediately to every message that comes your way
Even as an introvert, you do this because you believe it’s the key to success.
Then, you start waking up not just tired but exhausted. You become ill more often. You get frustrated more easily, and the results you think you’re creating aren’t even happening!
Suddenly, your dream is a nightmare.
Turning things around
Eventually, I admitted my way of engineering management simply wasn’t working. It would kill me (it almost did), or I would quit.
So, I started making changes.
One was learning delegation.
Even if you’re not an introvert, this is a difficult skill to execute and master. It just feels uncomfortable telling someone else to do something (but you do get used to it over time).
Another was putting communication on my terms.
For instance, I started using more async communication in place of meetings. As a result, I had more energy to tend to urgent and important tasks while other priorities were still cared for. This wasn’t an easy adjustment for my engineers, but they eventually adapted.
The last was letting people go.
This is never an easy thing. These were not bad people, but they didn’t align with the vision or expectations the work needed. By keeping them around, I was hurting myself and them. After all, you probably know what it’s like to have worked for a company where you’re not a good fit but you excel elsewhere.
Thriving
These days, I appreciate being an introverted EM more. Certainly, aspects of the role would be easier if I were an extrovert or ambivert, but there are parts of it I do well in as an introvert.
For example, I’m also an introvert who likes to think and reflect before acting. So, when a crisis happens, and others might be running around screaming (even introverts!), I’m remembering that I don’t have to do the same thing anymore.
Something is always late, broken, or on fire. This isn’t ideal, but it is okay. I know we can handle the issue if we stay calm and work together.
Maybe this makes me different from others, but that’s okay, too. Sometimes, not fitting in is a good thing, just like being an introverted engineering manager.
The short version: it’s your role to own as you want
Engineering management doesn’t belong to any one kind of person or personality. If you want to be an EM, then be one. The role won’t be easy, but with enough time and effort, you can learn how to succeed in your own unique way, even as an introvert.
For me, that meant understanding and doing the following:
- Communicating: it only works if you do it well and others receive it well
- Delegating: trying to take on everything yourself only leads to burnout and worse, so know what others can do and give those tasks to them
- Being true to who you are: if you’re an introverted EM, build processes that let you work as optimally as possible, such as using more async communication
- Firing: sometimes, people don’t align with your vision and expectations – this doesn’t make them bad people, just not a good fit
- Appreciating who you are: as an introvert, you possess certain advantages that make you great as an EM – learn what they are and lean into them
Of course, I still want to do more, but I’m getting to do cool things with amazing people. Ultimately, I’m happy with where I am now in life.
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Originally published on Medium.com
Content in this blog post by Alex Ponomarev is licensed under CC BY 4.0.
